I was on Facebook not too long ago and one of my “friends” shared an article called I Didn’t Marry My Best Friend.

It gave me something to think about. I didn’t marry my best friend. When I think about it. I married a man who behaved as though I was a Queen. Someone who I wanted to share my life with who I thought loved me more than anything in the whole world.

The article made me somewhat sad then at the end it was encouraging, acknowledging the fact the infidelity happens but marriage is hard work. It mentioned that in this day and age we’re so used to instant gratification that when the going gets tough, the tough get going. I don’t expect instant gratification but I don’t want to have to baby my husband and feel the need to monitor him. I just wanted faithfulness.

The part of the article that made me sad was when the writer spoke of all the laughs that her and her husband shared and how her husband brags to his friends or whoever about how wonderful she is. I have no idea what this woman has gone through in her marriage but I started to think about mine and how my husband and I deal. I tried to think of the laughs that we’ve shared recently and I feel like they’re far and few between. They happen, but it’s not necessarily any deep belly laughs.

I guess part of my problem is that I’m still in mourning. Mourning what our relationship used to be. Mourning who my husband used to be. It’s hard to deal. A significant part of marriage is learning to fall in love with your spouse everyday for who they are now and not holding on to who they used to be or who you want them to be. I’m a lot more understanding of the pitfalls that my parents experienced in their marriage now that this infidelity has occurred. It’s hard.

Everything that your spouse does directly effects you. My husband says he loves me but I just don’t feel it like I need to in order to know he cares. I feel as though he is just trying to appease me out of fear. I told him that if he is unfaithful again and I find out, I’m leaving him. When I told him this, I can’t remember exactly what he said, but I don’t think he expected me to say that. I’ve told him how much I love him and he claims that he feels the same way, but maybe I’m just too blinded by the hurt to feel his love. Maybe he just doesn’t understand how hard he really has to work to set me at ease.

He got a new job and starts next month. At that time we will be officially reunited and maybe I’ll feel like I have a husband again? He is two hours away from where I am, for work, and we only see him on weekends, unless I drive to see him. It’s not that easy to just pick up and go when you have a baby and you’re generally tired. Long distance can be a killer. I wouldn’t recommend it. The physical distance may be a large part of the issue, but I am not sure at this point. As I’ve stated before, I don’t feel I am one of my husband’s top priorities.

He does what he is supposed to do as a husband, such as moving us closer to where he is working. That’s what you’re supposed to do, we’re married. Duh. I feel like I need more, especially because of how he betrayed me. I try so hard not to think about the details of the affairs. I’m trying to live for today. It’s hard. My birthday is tomorrow and part of me is excited and part of me is sad. My husband is coming today and I always pray for his safe travel. It’s a weird, terrible place to be in. I need to talk to him about all this. He will ask me what he is supposed to do and I don’t know what else he can do.

It breaks my heart to see how much he has changed. Sometimes I think I’m holding out for him to become someone else. Not necessarily another person, but more like who he used to be. We can’t go back. I do a very good job with not actually feeling my emotions while at the same time acknowledging I have a problem (I don’t know if that makes sense). When I don’t take time to feel my feelings they tend to pile up. I guess today is sort of a rough day for me emotionally. I’m coming to some painful realizations I suppose. I’ve thought of scenarios in which I separate from my husband in an effort to wake him up. I’ve thought about whether or not I could stand to have him be with someone else and I can’t, obviously, which is why I’m so hurt because he was with someone(s).

I also become sad at the thought that I can’t provide him with the emotional support that he needs concerning his own emotional traumas. I wonder if I would do him a favor by leaving so he can find someone who suits his needs better. I think this is even more valid when I consider that he stepped out on me. Especially with the emotional affair. It’s not just the sex but the emotional betrayal. Like I’m not enough as a person. Like he can’t find solace from me. Obviously he can’t though. That’s why he had the affairs. Then this makes me think about the fact that no one can be all things to anyone. He can’t be all things to me. It’s exacerbated because of all the changes he went through. I just feel sad right now. Hopefully playing some stupid games on Facebook will help me feel better. Or maybe I’ll feel better when my son wakes up. He’s a true gem. I love him to pieces.

But back to why I mentioned the article in the first place. It makes me ever so slightly hopeful that sticking this out will make our marriage stronger and our future brighter; however, when I think of our future it seems somewhat bleak.