Your heart deserves to beat peacefully without the fear of breaking

~Alex Elle

I saw this quote this morning and it resonated with me. Naturally my mind went straight to my husband’s infidelity. This quote also reminded me of all the displays of love that social media allows us to be privy to. I know you’re not supposed to want what other people have, but there are times when I wish my husband did a better job of expressing his love for me. I see men using these eloquent words and admonishing their women and it makes me jealous, frankly. I understand that not everyone is a poet, but there’s a need I have to know how he feels, especially after his indiscretion.

Husband got a new job and it starts next month. There is so much preparation that we need to do and it is somewhat stressful to think of. My husband has said that the fact that he’s working so hard to be the breadwinner should be enough to show his love. Love doesn’t pay the bills but money certainly doesn’t love you. Is it crazy to want more? I have told him I’m very appreciative of the fact that he is sustaining our family and working hard, but that doesn’t give him license to do what he pleases or shirk his husbandly duties. A husband does not have a sole purpose to just provide money and it’s insulting that my husband would assume that he doesn’t need to do more to show his love.

It should be clear to me by now that I’m not one of his top priorities. He has emotional pain that he’s dealing with on a daily basis and it seems as though he swims in it. He deals with negativity and emotional pain differently than I do. I definitely understand where he’s coming from but he allows himself to be dominated by his emotions. The problem with that is, emotions can change from one minute to the next. It’s part of what led him to cheat in the first place. I feel as though I make him one of my top priorities, but it seems as though he views me as another one of his responsibilities. I guess that part of the drawback of being a stay at home mom. You’re devalued for one reason or another. I was told by someone that he expressed how much he loved me and I’m wondering what he said because I don’t always feel it. I could be nitpicking but this is what infidelity does. It makes you question everything.

I guess I feel entitled to have my heart beat without the fear of it breaking. It has already been broken and now it is being held together loosely with scotch tape. I don’t want to end up being the stupid wife who stayed.