This statement popped up on my Facebook feed from one of the pages I follow. It’s dedicated to advice relating to marriage. I should probably stop following it since it almost stings every time there’s something posted, but it helps me to think:

“Successful marriages are built on trust. It takes years to build trust but it takes a single secret to destroy it and it might take a whole lifetime of proven honest living to restore and repair it. Don’t take your spouse’s trust for granted. Respect your spouse and honor your vows. Live an honorable, open and honest life.” -Isaac Kubvoruno

The strange thing, for lack of a better word, is that I don’t need this reminder. My husband does. I remember someone saying that infidelity is due in part to a lack of respect. I can definitely believe that. It’s wild that my husband seems to love me, but doesn’t respect me. He gets so caught up in himself. I didn’t ever really think of him as being selfish because of his strong desire to help others; although, helping others doesn’t mean that you’re not selfish. There’s self gratification in knowing that you’ve done good and it boosts the ego. Something I didn’t really think of until now. I was my husband’s first girlfriend and he married me. I often wonder if this contributes to his behavior of not factoring me into his plans and not considering my feelings. Lack of understanding of the basics of a relationship. Unless it’s just a male trait.

I really want to trust him, but I can’t. Not fully. It’s a conundrum because he appears so trustworthy, but that was the problem in the first place. Looks can be deceiving. I have this desire to hire a private detective to spy on him regularly and thoroughly check all his phone calls, etc. and…damn it, that’s just too much work! I shouldn’t have to live life feeling this way and I HATE that he’s responsible for making me feel this way! He has been away on business out of state and as far as I know, no OW are there. He’s coming back for the birth of our child. One of the OW lives in our county. He behaves as though it’s not a problem. He met this woman at a function at a location which we still visit from time to time. Whenever he mentions going there I tell him of my concern about seeing her and it’s almost as if he’s entertained by the idea and it’s sickening. A blog that I read, as negative as it is, helped me to understand something. It’s an ego boost for my husband to see me jealous and desiring to fight another woman over him (at least in theory). He has also mentioned going to this location himself as though it’s not a problem. My husband isn’t stupid but he behaves as though he is. I suppose he would just leap at the chance to see the woman he started an emotional affair with. He has told me that leaving these women alone is no problem, but I don’t believe him! It’s hard to believe anything he says!

This is some frustrating garbage. He can be so loving sometimes, but when I actually think about his behavior, he doesn’t have as much enthusiasm for me as he used to. This is normal after being together for a certain amount of time, but that doesn’t mean it should be accepted. He used to tell me what a great woman I was and he didn’t want to let me slip away. He treated me as though I was some sort of precious jewel, but now I have to remind him that he needs to consciously interact with me on that level. I know I’m old news, but we need to keep the spark going. It takes two to tango and I’m going to give him whatever tips he needs in order to keep dancing with me until death do we part. If he can’t change or relapses I think I may lose my mind. There’s so much work to be done, but hey, marriage.