As I’ve been doing “research” to figure out how to deal with infidelity and seek out stories from people’s own experiences, I realize there don’t seem to be many young, married couples under the age of 40 or 50 who have been married or together for less than 10 years. I find it interesting, but I also figured it may be beneficial for somebody if I shared my experience and my feelings.

I have found myself needing an outlet. I have only told one person about the infidelity and I don’t want to burden that person with they daily worries and concerns I have. It is very likely that no one will care to read my blog but I find this to be somewhat cathartic. I have my good days and my bad days and I vacillate between being full of hope and love one day or moment, then something will happen to knock me down and I’ll be filled with doubt and sadness with a dash of despair.

I’m not going to call myself a Christian because organized religion is very questionable to me, but I definitely believe in prayer and God. The only thing I’ve been able to do throughout this process is pray. For myself, for my husband, and for our marriage. When I feel as though things aren’t going the way they should and think that my husband doesn’t care for me, I pray for a sign that he gives a crap and he does something which let’s me know the man I married is in there somewhere.

I need to get these words out so they’re no longer inside of me threatening the life they belong to.

The reason why I gave my blog the title of “Lying in Wait to Exhale” is because I feel as though I can’t breath. It’s like I’m holding my breath, waiting to see if we make it through. Everyday I’m wondering if the elephants will come back. Will he entertain them? Will he go back to betraying me? Will he still feel like cheating on me with our baby in the picture? Is he going to wake up one day and decide he no longer wants to be with me? There are so many questions I can’t breath. I feel as if I’m constantly bracing myself for something devastating. He has essentially crushed our world and the life we used to have. But we keep moving forward.