sadness

I Don’t Know What to Put Here

/ Candid Journei / 2 Comments

I haven’t told my husband about my blog. It’s something I’ve debated. Should I or should I not? I don’t generally keep things from him but I feel as though this blog is something that should be my own. It’s how I sort out my thoughts. I think it’s part of what had kept me from running as far away from him as possible.

I still plan in my mind what my escape plan would be if he were to betray me again. I’m in the unfortunate position of not having a job right now, so no income of my own. I’d be starting from scratch if I left. I don’t really want to leave him though.

After my last post he and I had a talk about those stupid shoes. He told me there were other things left in the trunk which belonged to the previous renter of the car and he said I could look if I didn’t believe him. I can’t remember everything we said because I’ve slept several times since then, but something I said pissed him off and he started yelling and I almost left the room. Thankfully our son kept sleeping through our whole discussion.

After his outburst I did my best to explain my feelings in a way he would understand. I don’t have a habit of telling like he does. I think he feels as though it makes him feel better to tell. He has had some emotional traumas himself within the last few years, which he still deals with everyday and I explained that it’s the same for me. Everyday something seems to trigger my memory. Everyday I’m still working through what he did, trying to trust him again.

I let him know that even when it comes to his emotional traumas I try to be a comfort. I try the best that I can to be understanding and I just want the same. It’s not as if he needs more or less comfort than I do but support is what we need to provide reach other as a married couple. It’s not a competition for who is sadder but on some level it feels like that sometimes.

I explained that I was not trying to compare the level of pain either of us feel, but I was trying to get him to step outside of his own pain to see mine just as I do for him with his struggles. Part of what led to my husband’s cheating was his selfishness and focusing on his pain, not taking me into account. I tried not to minimize how he feels but rather make sure he understands how I feel.

I told him he needs to makes me feel wanted. He started resting on his laurels since I made the mistake of telling him I was starting to trust him again. I don’t beat him over the head everyday with the fact that he cheated but that doesn’t mean he’s off the hook and I had to explain that as well. I’d like to think I’m a very kind and loving wife. I’m not perfect, but I am patient. Sometimes too patient and maybe too understanding.

I will have to do a better job of making my feelings clear on a more regular basis. I let him know that I’m haunted by images whenever we’ve been intimate. Even when we’re not I’m still haunted. I told him I still have questions in my mind as to what they did and why he loved her. I wonder if he’s actually over her. I’ve decided that I don’t need the answer to these questions. I’m in enough pain without knowing the answers. I can probably answer the questions myself anyway which is another reason why I don’t force the issue as far as those unanswered questions are concerned. Some things don’t need to be in my head. At this point I’m able to do a little better job with shoving the images out of my mind.

We have a beautiful, precious, patient, sweet, adorable baby. When I look at him I’m still astounded by his existence. He’s our second child. Our first passed away because he was born prematurely when I was going on six months pregnant. I’m amazed that my husband cheated on me while I was working to produce this wonderful blessing from God. It’s a huge slap in the face. I sometimes hate that when I look at our son I’m reminded of what my husband did. I just hope and pray that my husband’s infidelity doesn’t somehow ruin our son.

This particular entry may be scatter brained but that’s how I kind of feel right now. Scattered. I love my husband to pieces and it makes me sad to think he doesn’t love me as much as I thought. He tells me he loves me almost everyday since our conversation at the beginning of this week. I let him know I love him as well. I don’t know if he truly understands the significance of those words.

When we first got married my aunt and I had a conversation about marriage and she proposed the idea that the man sometimes has to love the woman more in order for the marriage to work. I told her I thought he loved me more, but oh how wrong I was to believe that. We keep moving forward though. Nowhere else for us to go. My mother sent us an anniversary card commending is for making it through this far, not knowing about the infidelity. My husband asked if she was really talking about us.

Letting go of the Past

/ Candid Journei / Leave a comment

This is something that I need to remind myself of from time to time. The beginning was wonderful, sweet, optimistic, maybe even genuine, but now is the time to deal with reality. I can look at the past as a cute story to tell, but I need to accept our reality.

“Nostalgia is a dirty liar that insists things were better than they seemed.” -Michelle K., I Can’t Stop Questioning It.

Trouble Sleeping

/ Candid Journei / 1 Comment

I’ve been having trouble sleeping for the past few months. When I say that, people ask me why and I’m not entirely sure what I’m suppose to say because I haven’t really told people about the affair. I want to say “I can’t sleep because my husband’s infidelity keeps me up at night.” There are times when I’m ok and he’s able to reassure me temporarily, then I look at his text message and phone records online and then I’m not necessarily reassured anymore. I check because I don’t trust him. I don’t want to have to go through this. I just want him to respect me, respect our marriage, respect the vows we made. Why is that so hard? He had claimed that part of the reason he cheated was because of his sex drive. He was having intercourse with one of the OW when he was on a business trip. I’m having difficulty accepting the idea that he doesn’t have enough self control to not fuck somebody who isn’t me. I feel as though he just gave up trying to be faithful because his penis was talking too loud? I don’t know. I want to look into getting counseling for the both of us. Maybe look into the whole “I enjoy sex too much so I cheated on you because you weren’t around” theory. I like to be compassionate, but at the same time there’s just certain BS that I really don’t feel I should put up with.

I find myself thinking about preparing to jump ship if he doesn’t truly commit like he should from this point on. My mother always taught me to be independent, even if I’m married. I find myself as dependent in this relationship, but if need be I will change that. I can’t allow myself to be emotionally abused. I have asked him to tell me why he loves me. Of course he can never say enough about how good looking I am and how sexy I look (which I appreciate), but I feel there should be more. Outside of my appearance he loves the fact that I can stimulate his mind. I guess physical stimulation trumps the mental. I’m tired, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Our marriage isn’t a priority of his, clearly, or else we wouldn’t be in this position. I don’t even know where I rank on his list of priorities but I imagine it’s pretty low. I don’t want to do all the work. A marriage is supposed to be each person giving 100%. Divorce is 50/50, not marriage.

Wracking my brain about all of this makes me kind of angry. I HATE that I’m in this position. Sometimes I feel void of feeling. It must be a defense mechanism so I’m not crushed under the weight of all my emotions. I’m so conflicted because I love him but our relationship has been tainted now. I don’t want to stay married just for financial security or just because we’re having a baby (due this coming Monday). I want to stay because I feel deeply loved, respected, wanted. Is that too much to ask? I have love for myself. I respect myself. I also have love and respect for him, which is why I haven’t packed my bags and ran, yet. I want to give us a chance; however, I cannot be emotionally abused or abused in any way for that matter. I’ve been a glutton for punishment before, but I’m too old for that now and too wise. I know my worth. I’m a diamond and I cannot be treated as well crafted, shiny glass.

I do my best to make myself as clear as possible to him. We will be able to hash things out better once he comes back tomorrow. I may have some sort of pinched nerve situation from being pregnant and it’s causing some pain and swelling. I hope it’s nothing serious. To have to deal with being pregnant and this BS…my husband’s timing is horrendous. Of all the times to be selfish he choose the time when I’m pregnant. Sometimes I feel like I just can’t with the BS.

Broken Trust

/ Candid Journei / 4 Comments

This statement popped up on my Facebook feed from one of the pages I follow. It’s dedicated to advice relating to marriage. I should probably stop following it since it almost stings every time there’s something posted, but it helps me to think:

“Successful marriages are built on trust. It takes years to build trust but it takes a single secret to destroy it and it might take a whole lifetime of proven honest living to restore and repair it. Don’t take your spouse’s trust for granted. Respect your spouse and honor your vows. Live an honorable, open and honest life.” -Isaac Kubvoruno

The strange thing, for lack of a better word, is that I don’t need this reminder. My husband does. I remember someone saying that infidelity is due in part to a lack of respect. I can definitely believe that. It’s wild that my husband seems to love me, but doesn’t respect me. He gets so caught up in himself. I didn’t ever really think of him as being selfish because of his strong desire to help others; although, helping others doesn’t mean that you’re not selfish. There’s self gratification in knowing that you’ve done good and it boosts the ego. Something I didn’t really think of until now. I was my husband’s first girlfriend and he married me. I often wonder if this contributes to his behavior of not factoring me into his plans and not considering my feelings. Lack of understanding of the basics of a relationship. Unless it’s just a male trait.

I really want to trust him, but I can’t. Not fully. It’s a conundrum because he appears so trustworthy, but that was the problem in the first place. Looks can be deceiving. I have this desire to hire a private detective to spy on him regularly and thoroughly check all his phone calls, etc. and…damn it, that’s just too much work! I shouldn’t have to live life feeling this way and I HATE that he’s responsible for making me feel this way! He has been away on business out of state and as far as I know, no OW are there. He’s coming back for the birth of our child. One of the OW lives in our county. He behaves as though it’s not a problem. He met this woman at a function at a location which we still visit from time to time. Whenever he mentions going there I tell him of my concern about seeing her and it’s almost as if he’s entertained by the idea and it’s sickening. A blog that I read, as negative as it is, helped me to understand something. It’s an ego boost for my husband to see me jealous and desiring to fight another woman over him (at least in theory). He has also mentioned going to this location himself as though it’s not a problem. My husband isn’t stupid but he behaves as though he is. I suppose he would just leap at the chance to see the woman he started an emotional affair with. He has told me that leaving these women alone is no problem, but I don’t believe him! It’s hard to believe anything he says!

This is some frustrating garbage. He can be so loving sometimes, but when I actually think about his behavior, he doesn’t have as much enthusiasm for me as he used to. This is normal after being together for a certain amount of time, but that doesn’t mean it should be accepted. He used to tell me what a great woman I was and he didn’t want to let me slip away. He treated me as though I was some sort of precious jewel, but now I have to remind him that he needs to consciously interact with me on that level. I know I’m old news, but we need to keep the spark going. It takes two to tango and I’m going to give him whatever tips he needs in order to keep dancing with me until death do we part. If he can’t change or relapses I think I may lose my mind. There’s so much work to be done, but hey, marriage.

Men Are Selfish Idiots (D-Day Nov. 28, 2014)

/ Candid Journei / 1 Comment

I’m being very broad in my statement of all men being idiots, but I would like to talk about my idiot. My selfish idiot. I love him, obviously, or I wouldn’t have married him and endeavored to start a family with him. He couldn’t claim any ONE specific reason for his betrayal but in summation I suppose it boiled down to sadness, loss of faith, a hero complex, and probably depression. We’ve had a rough go of it these past few years with more deaths than either of us would have cared for and other family tragedies that could be likened to metaphorical deaths. My family is generally drama free, but his is chock FULL of it. I had myself fooled into thinking that we were some sort of power couple. Not perfect, not to be envied, but possibly admired. Then I discovered in the wee hours of the morning after Thanksgiving that I was all wrong.

My husband works in a field which requires travel outside of this state, inevitably. Sometimes it’s a lot of travel. I’m usually able to go with him, but this past year I’ve been prevented from doing so because I was working at one point, then I became pregnant and was automatically put on the no fly list because our last baby was born prematurely and did not survive, but that’s another story for another time. If anyone wants to hear it, let me know. I was considered “high-risk.” One of his trips lasted about a month and this current one has lasted through most of my pregnancy and will continue on until the summer. This is the longest work related travel he’s been on. Hubby comes back home when he can. Little did I know that he couldn’t be trusted to be on his own.

After a day of “giving thanks” it was time for rest, which I was greatly lacking due to pregnancy insomnia (not sure if this is a real thing but I’ll call it that). My husband crashed, as usual. He sleeps like a rock. He can open his eyes, respond to what I say, then go back to sleep without any recollection of what occurred the night before. Usually when he crashes I’ll help him remove shoes, stuff from his pockets, and whatever else so he can sleep comfortably and wake in the morning with a charged phone. I couldn’t find his charger for some reason so I decided to put his phone on my charger.

I’m not a nosy person. I’m not one of those wives who is prone to levels of distrust which causes me to go through his belongings on any sort of regular basis, if at all. Such things generally don’t even cross my mind because I trusted him. I thought that there’s always the ever so slight chance that he could cheat on me, but I only thought this in a theoretical sense, not a realistic one. For some reason on that particular night/early morning I felt compelled to look at his text messages and to my horror I actually found several things.

There were two women who stood out in particular. There were photos and words exchanged which were not appropriate when used outside the confines of marriage. Possibly the most heartbreaking of the texts was the correspondence in which he called one of these elephants “honey” and told her he loved her. I could swear I was having a stroke or something because I could NOT believe what I was reading. My heart was about to beat out of my chest. In another text I found pictures which were risque (no nudes, thankfully) that he had taken and sent to this woman. It appeared as though they were at a club of some sort. There were two classless looking women…ratchet, for lack of a better word, doing lewd things such as bending over and putting their middle fingers in their butt cracks. I failed to see how that was attractive and I still do. Other texts included some selfies here and there which weren’t anything alarming, but begged the question, why are you sending these to my HUSBAND, BITCH? He had also sent a couple of shirtless selfies himself with a big stupid grin on his face, flexing his muscles. Selfish idiot.

My favorite correspondence was from the second elephant. Their text correspondence was lengthy and appeared to date back a while. This heifer had told my husband that he was sexy and said she was falling for him and other intimate, inappropriate remarks a home wrecker would make to a married man. He responded saying that he wanted to make sure that he satisfied her or made her happy or some BS. I’m reading these texts wondering why the FUCK he needs to be concerned about making her happy??? He made reference to the other elephant and stated that he made a “friend” but didn’t want to tell me about her because I would accuse him of cheating…well…if the shoe fits, then lace that bitch up and wear it motherfucker! It was in the correspondence with this particular elephant that I discovered my husband’s desire to explore polygamy. He had mentioned it to me briefly before but not as a serious endeavor. This dizzy bitch asks him why he’s married to someone who doesn’t share his values? Well, you ignoramus, we made vows when we got married referencing something about forsaking all others and at the time he wanted to hold true to that. Parts of the conversation were somewhat sexual in nature but it seemed more emotional.

After going through a good portion of texts, photos, and his call logs, I was pretty wrecked. As I was going through the information I was shaking and I was crying and I was about to lose my mind. I contemplated waking him but I wanted him to be fully rested and lucid when I interrogated him. I needed to speak to someone but I didn’t know who. I had to get out of the house and get out of that room. I got in the car and went to walmart to buy a laptop. I also called my father and told him what happened after a bit of shop talk and asking questions about the divorce he and my mother had. He was the only person I knew, other than my sister who would be awake at 3ish in the morning. He encouraged me to confront my husband with the information I had and express myself how I see fit. They say it’s best to be careful who you confide in when it comes to affairs and I think my father was the best candidate. My father is like me in that he has emotions, but he is more level headed and logical than emotional. My sister would have been too emotional and possibly would have strangled my husband then and there or at least cussed him out. My sister and I are pretty close but I don’t know how she would handle all this.

I got about three hours of sleep, as per the usual in my pregnant state and waited for him to wake up. I believe there are different levels to cheaters. There are those who will own up to what they’ve done (at least the “important” stuff) and those who will lie as much as they can for as long as possible. I wanted to see what he would do. The information I found didn’t really tell much other than the fact that he was doing things he wasn’t supposed to. He woke up and of course wanted to cuddle a little and I decided to hit him with what I found. Started off with the “honey” and “I love you” text. Then I made reference to the lengthier texts with polygamy and other tomfoolery. At first he tried to meekly brush it off but conceded defeat and basically admitted to having an emotional affair. He said that he and the woman didn’t have intercourse but they talked about it and it was certainly headed in that direction.

I was devastated to find all of this out. Being pregnant is rough enough, especially since I’ve been dealing with anxiety, but this was just…UUGGHH! We talked and I expressed my disappointment. He listened and answered any questions I had. There’s so much that happened and I don’t feel like typing it all. I told him I felt as though he didn’t love me and he of course said that he did. I thought he only had emotional affairs, but then I asked if he had intercourse with either of them and he asked me if I really wanted to know…now…we all know what that means. He said yes and what I thought couldn’t get worse got worse…and even more worse when I asked why and he told me that a relationship developed, he caught feelings, fell in love, and had sex with her multiple times, unprotected. I swear in that moment I could have died and several moments after. I cried intermittently throughout our conversation in our room trying not to be too loud because my father in law was around.

There were so many emotions. There still are. He was going to go back to work come Sunday and he was leaving me with the knowledge that there were two other women. One in our “home” state (the emotional affair) and another in one of the states where he went for his other business trip for a month, where he then fell in love with and fucked someone who is not ME. Before he left we somehow reached the conclusion that he would cease contact with these women and we deleted them from his phone and blocked them. He was friends with one of them on Facebook so we deleted her from his list and then I had to look at his messages. He of course didn’t want me to but that was because I would only be disappointed. I read a message that he wanted to impregnate her. Selfish idiot. He said he was glad he didn’t do it. I said he should be because I would high tail it out of here if he comes around with some BS about having a child with another woman. After he went back to work I had time to think of more questions. I wondered about the timeline so I asked him about it. His affairs had spanned roughly 8 months. He started fucking that one elephant the month he went out of state. The month before my birthday. The month of our anniversary.  He met the other elephant not long after he returned from his trip. During that time he had actually asked to start trying again for a child knowing full well he was cheating on me.

I don’t know how things will turn out for our marriage, but this is what I do know: He apologized for hurting me with tears in his eyes and said he wants to work on gaining my trust again. Unfortunately he didn’t promise me that he won’t cheat again. This should be a read flag, shouldn’t it. I know I can’t control him, but I know that he contacts me everyday now. He sends me selfies and I send him selfies. He has personal struggles and I have mine. My world has been shattered and it’s like this isn’t real life. I never saw any of this coming. I know I love him. He’s endearing, sweet, ironically genuine, caring, has a big heart, and he, unfortunately manages to melt mine. He also manages to agitate me, too. The rose colored glasses have come off but I want to give us a fighting chance. If we lose, then we lose, but it won’t be for a lack of trying. I don’t want to hold onto anger. I’m not even angry any more, but I’m hurt. I have triggers. I struggle to fully trust him.

Why I’m Here the Reason for my Blog Title

/ Candid Journei / 6 Comments

As I’ve been doing “research” to figure out how to deal with infidelity and seek out stories from people’s own experiences, I realize there don’t seem to be many young, married couples under the age of 40 or 50 who have been married or together for less than 10 years. I find it interesting, but I also figured it may be beneficial for somebody if I shared my experience and my feelings.

I have found myself needing an outlet. I have only told one person about the infidelity and I don’t want to burden that person with they daily worries and concerns I have. It is very likely that no one will care to read my blog but I find this to be somewhat cathartic. I have my good days and my bad days and I vacillate between being full of hope and love one day or moment, then something will happen to knock me down and I’ll be filled with doubt and sadness with a dash of despair.

I’m not going to call myself a Christian because organized religion is very questionable to me, but I definitely believe in prayer and God. The only thing I’ve been able to do throughout this process is pray. For myself, for my husband, and for our marriage. When I feel as though things aren’t going the way they should and think that my husband doesn’t care for me, I pray for a sign that he gives a crap and he does something which let’s me know the man I married is in there somewhere.

I need to get these words out so they’re no longer inside of me threatening the life they belong to.

The reason why I gave my blog the title of “Lying in Wait to Exhale” is because I feel as though I can’t breath. It’s like I’m holding my breath, waiting to see if we make it through. Everyday I’m wondering if the elephants will come back. Will he entertain them? Will he go back to betraying me? Will he still feel like cheating on me with our baby in the picture? Is he going to wake up one day and decide he no longer wants to be with me? There are so many questions I can’t breath. I feel as if I’m constantly bracing myself for something devastating. He has essentially crushed our world and the life we used to have. But we keep moving forward.