respect

I Don’t Know What to Put Here

/ Candid Journei / 2 Comments

I haven’t told my husband about my blog. It’s something I’ve debated. Should I or should I not? I don’t generally keep things from him but I feel as though this blog is something that should be my own. It’s how I sort out my thoughts. I think it’s part of what had kept me from running as far away from him as possible.

I still plan in my mind what my escape plan would be if he were to betray me again. I’m in the unfortunate position of not having a job right now, so no income of my own. I’d be starting from scratch if I left. I don’t really want to leave him though.

After my last post he and I had a talk about those stupid shoes. He told me there were other things left in the trunk which belonged to the previous renter of the car and he said I could look if I didn’t believe him. I can’t remember everything we said because I’ve slept several times since then, but something I said pissed him off and he started yelling and I almost left the room. Thankfully our son kept sleeping through our whole discussion.

After his outburst I did my best to explain my feelings in a way he would understand. I don’t have a habit of telling like he does. I think he feels as though it makes him feel better to tell. He has had some emotional traumas himself within the last few years, which he still deals with everyday and I explained that it’s the same for me. Everyday something seems to trigger my memory. Everyday I’m still working through what he did, trying to trust him again.

I let him know that even when it comes to his emotional traumas I try to be a comfort. I try the best that I can to be understanding and I just want the same. It’s not as if he needs more or less comfort than I do but support is what we need to provide reach other as a married couple. It’s not a competition for who is sadder but on some level it feels like that sometimes.

I explained that I was not trying to compare the level of pain either of us feel, but I was trying to get him to step outside of his own pain to see mine just as I do for him with his struggles. Part of what led to my husband’s cheating was his selfishness and focusing on his pain, not taking me into account. I tried not to minimize how he feels but rather make sure he understands how I feel.

I told him he needs to makes me feel wanted. He started resting on his laurels since I made the mistake of telling him I was starting to trust him again. I don’t beat him over the head everyday with the fact that he cheated but that doesn’t mean he’s off the hook and I had to explain that as well. I’d like to think I’m a very kind and loving wife. I’m not perfect, but I am patient. Sometimes too patient and maybe too understanding.

I will have to do a better job of making my feelings clear on a more regular basis. I let him know that I’m haunted by images whenever we’ve been intimate. Even when we’re not I’m still haunted. I told him I still have questions in my mind as to what they did and why he loved her. I wonder if he’s actually over her. I’ve decided that I don’t need the answer to these questions. I’m in enough pain without knowing the answers. I can probably answer the questions myself anyway which is another reason why I don’t force the issue as far as those unanswered questions are concerned. Some things don’t need to be in my head. At this point I’m able to do a little better job with shoving the images out of my mind.

We have a beautiful, precious, patient, sweet, adorable baby. When I look at him I’m still astounded by his existence. He’s our second child. Our first passed away because he was born prematurely when I was going on six months pregnant. I’m amazed that my husband cheated on me while I was working to produce this wonderful blessing from God. It’s a huge slap in the face. I sometimes hate that when I look at our son I’m reminded of what my husband did. I just hope and pray that my husband’s infidelity doesn’t somehow ruin our son.

This particular entry may be scatter brained but that’s how I kind of feel right now. Scattered. I love my husband to pieces and it makes me sad to think he doesn’t love me as much as I thought. He tells me he loves me almost everyday since our conversation at the beginning of this week. I let him know I love him as well. I don’t know if he truly understands the significance of those words.

When we first got married my aunt and I had a conversation about marriage and she proposed the idea that the man sometimes has to love the woman more in order for the marriage to work. I told her I thought he loved me more, but oh how wrong I was to believe that. We keep moving forward though. Nowhere else for us to go. My mother sent us an anniversary card commending is for making it through this far, not knowing about the infidelity. My husband asked if she was really talking about us.

Trouble Sleeping

/ Candid Journei / 1 Comment

I’ve been having trouble sleeping for the past few months. When I say that, people ask me why and I’m not entirely sure what I’m suppose to say because I haven’t really told people about the affair. I want to say “I can’t sleep because my husband’s infidelity keeps me up at night.” There are times when I’m ok and he’s able to reassure me temporarily, then I look at his text message and phone records online and then I’m not necessarily reassured anymore. I check because I don’t trust him. I don’t want to have to go through this. I just want him to respect me, respect our marriage, respect the vows we made. Why is that so hard? He had claimed that part of the reason he cheated was because of his sex drive. He was having intercourse with one of the OW when he was on a business trip. I’m having difficulty accepting the idea that he doesn’t have enough self control to not fuck somebody who isn’t me. I feel as though he just gave up trying to be faithful because his penis was talking too loud? I don’t know. I want to look into getting counseling for the both of us. Maybe look into the whole “I enjoy sex too much so I cheated on you because you weren’t around” theory. I like to be compassionate, but at the same time there’s just certain BS that I really don’t feel I should put up with.

I find myself thinking about preparing to jump ship if he doesn’t truly commit like he should from this point on. My mother always taught me to be independent, even if I’m married. I find myself as dependent in this relationship, but if need be I will change that. I can’t allow myself to be emotionally abused. I have asked him to tell me why he loves me. Of course he can never say enough about how good looking I am and how sexy I look (which I appreciate), but I feel there should be more. Outside of my appearance he loves the fact that I can stimulate his mind. I guess physical stimulation trumps the mental. I’m tired, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Our marriage isn’t a priority of his, clearly, or else we wouldn’t be in this position. I don’t even know where I rank on his list of priorities but I imagine it’s pretty low. I don’t want to do all the work. A marriage is supposed to be each person giving 100%. Divorce is 50/50, not marriage.

Wracking my brain about all of this makes me kind of angry. I HATE that I’m in this position. Sometimes I feel void of feeling. It must be a defense mechanism so I’m not crushed under the weight of all my emotions. I’m so conflicted because I love him but our relationship has been tainted now. I don’t want to stay married just for financial security or just because we’re having a baby (due this coming Monday). I want to stay because I feel deeply loved, respected, wanted. Is that too much to ask? I have love for myself. I respect myself. I also have love and respect for him, which is why I haven’t packed my bags and ran, yet. I want to give us a chance; however, I cannot be emotionally abused or abused in any way for that matter. I’ve been a glutton for punishment before, but I’m too old for that now and too wise. I know my worth. I’m a diamond and I cannot be treated as well crafted, shiny glass.

I do my best to make myself as clear as possible to him. We will be able to hash things out better once he comes back tomorrow. I may have some sort of pinched nerve situation from being pregnant and it’s causing some pain and swelling. I hope it’s nothing serious. To have to deal with being pregnant and this BS…my husband’s timing is horrendous. Of all the times to be selfish he choose the time when I’m pregnant. Sometimes I feel like I just can’t with the BS.

Broken Trust

/ Candid Journei / 4 Comments

This statement popped up on my Facebook feed from one of the pages I follow. It’s dedicated to advice relating to marriage. I should probably stop following it since it almost stings every time there’s something posted, but it helps me to think:

“Successful marriages are built on trust. It takes years to build trust but it takes a single secret to destroy it and it might take a whole lifetime of proven honest living to restore and repair it. Don’t take your spouse’s trust for granted. Respect your spouse and honor your vows. Live an honorable, open and honest life.” -Isaac Kubvoruno

The strange thing, for lack of a better word, is that I don’t need this reminder. My husband does. I remember someone saying that infidelity is due in part to a lack of respect. I can definitely believe that. It’s wild that my husband seems to love me, but doesn’t respect me. He gets so caught up in himself. I didn’t ever really think of him as being selfish because of his strong desire to help others; although, helping others doesn’t mean that you’re not selfish. There’s self gratification in knowing that you’ve done good and it boosts the ego. Something I didn’t really think of until now. I was my husband’s first girlfriend and he married me. I often wonder if this contributes to his behavior of not factoring me into his plans and not considering my feelings. Lack of understanding of the basics of a relationship. Unless it’s just a male trait.

I really want to trust him, but I can’t. Not fully. It’s a conundrum because he appears so trustworthy, but that was the problem in the first place. Looks can be deceiving. I have this desire to hire a private detective to spy on him regularly and thoroughly check all his phone calls, etc. and…damn it, that’s just too much work! I shouldn’t have to live life feeling this way and I HATE that he’s responsible for making me feel this way! He has been away on business out of state and as far as I know, no OW are there. He’s coming back for the birth of our child. One of the OW lives in our county. He behaves as though it’s not a problem. He met this woman at a function at a location which we still visit from time to time. Whenever he mentions going there I tell him of my concern about seeing her and it’s almost as if he’s entertained by the idea and it’s sickening. A blog that I read, as negative as it is, helped me to understand something. It’s an ego boost for my husband to see me jealous and desiring to fight another woman over him (at least in theory). He has also mentioned going to this location himself as though it’s not a problem. My husband isn’t stupid but he behaves as though he is. I suppose he would just leap at the chance to see the woman he started an emotional affair with. He has told me that leaving these women alone is no problem, but I don’t believe him! It’s hard to believe anything he says!

This is some frustrating garbage. He can be so loving sometimes, but when I actually think about his behavior, he doesn’t have as much enthusiasm for me as he used to. This is normal after being together for a certain amount of time, but that doesn’t mean it should be accepted. He used to tell me what a great woman I was and he didn’t want to let me slip away. He treated me as though I was some sort of precious jewel, but now I have to remind him that he needs to consciously interact with me on that level. I know I’m old news, but we need to keep the spark going. It takes two to tango and I’m going to give him whatever tips he needs in order to keep dancing with me until death do we part. If he can’t change or relapses I think I may lose my mind. There’s so much work to be done, but hey, marriage.