pain

The Next Woman

/ Candid Journei / Leave a comment

I’ve reached an interesting place in my journey. It’s difficult to explain, but I’m uncomfortable. They say discomfort is a good sign of change. Not sure if I fully buy into that, but let’s hope so.

I’m in between jobs. Fun-employed, if you will. I had to leave my previous job because I reached a level of anxiety that ushered in suicidal ideation. I hadn’t felt that in months, so I figured it was time to move on. I found a contract job, but it was only for about a month. Now I’m attempting to find a job that will allow me to officially be independent. I still have to rely on my…ex? Estranged husband? I don’t know the title, but we are still legally wed and sharing custody of our Gremlin. We don’t hate each other. Never have, but the way he has treated our marriage, one would assume otherwise.

I’ve been out for over a year now. It has been difficult to nail down a job that offers a livable wage with benefits. This country is deep in the pits of hell, but we move, until we can’t. I’m trying to be grateful for my circumstances until I get to the next place I need to be, wherever that is.

My therapist, we’ll call him Bob, and I have discussed next steps a few times. Employment continues to pop up because I have transferable skills, but no one is letting me transfer them. It’s infuriating. He has provided different ideas/avenues for me to explore. Thinking outside the box. I consider applying for lower wage jobs, but I NEED something more than that. I have a child. If it were just me I wouldn’t care. Outside of employment, I’ve been contemplating relationships.

When speaking with Bob we stumbled upon the subject of PDH (previous dear husband) and him dating. He has a high sex drive and hates being alone, so it’s something I’ve had to think about. It’s nauseating. He suggested that I open up the line of communication regarding these types of activities. I inquired if PDH was interested in dating. He was trying to get me to go on dates, but that wasn’t going to happen. Recently I incidentally discovered he is dating someone. We were out at an event for autism with our Gremlin and she called him. I didn’t recognize the name and he nearly fell into the grass trying to answer his phone. I could tell by the tone of his voice that it was someone he liked. I was peeved. Caught of guard.

He never confirmed his desire to begin dating. I asked who he was talking to and he told me that it was indeed a woman he met. This man downloaded a dating app and met a woman. The dreaded day arrived. I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel. It’s that double edged sword of knowing you can’t stay with the person you’ve loved for over a decade because they continue to disrespect you, while simultaneously not wanting them to date because of feelings. Bad feelings. I suppose jealousy is what I’m feeling? Defensiveness because of trust issues?

One out of two of the last affair partners trashed the place he was renting after I moved out. He gave her the key to the place so she could clean, which made absolutely no sense. She’s not a maid. Just a trashy woman. I had to clean up that mess. She also kept a car he lent her. It was still in his name and not paid off. Getting it back was a pain in the ass. The second out of the two mistresses was driving while he was in the car and he got a ticket because of her ganja. He fell on the sword to protect her, apparently. He went to court to deal with that and they let it go. I’m the best decision he’s ever made. I’m wary of anyone new.

I found myself triggered upon seeing this new name. I was flashing back to the times I caught him cheating on me. He still has the phone number of one of his original affair partners. We’ll call her Danielle. Mind you, he first started messing with her in 2014. Eleven years ago. He still has her number. Do y’all understand how shitty that is? I just left him last year. I’m now remembering that I saw him texting Danielle after I texted him before that day, that he could date other people. This current lady didn’t show up until recently.

We were at our son’s swim practice a couple of weeks ago and I brought up dating, again. At the time, he changed the subject. Looking back…I wonder if he had already downloaded the dating app and just decided not to tell me? He has a history of lying, obviously. I still can’t fully trust him. He lies by omission as well. I was irritated after seeing Danielle’s name on his phone. He was texting her while picking up Gremlin. I wasn’t really surprised, but I was insulted. It further solidified the fact that he wasn’t to be fully trusted. It further validated why I needed to leave. An indication that he still wasn’t committed to me. Because why the fuck does he still have her number over a decade later? He was never fully in. Especially not after 2014. Some time before I decided we needed to separate, he reached out to the weed head to see how she was doing. I felt it was a big red flag. For some odd reason our couple’s therapist didn’t think it was a big issue? He must’ve been having an off day.

I don’t believe I’m fully healed. Especially with the discovery of the relatively recent events, mentioned above, prior to leaving him. I think I have to type out my feelings to assess them. Bob is on vacation for another week, so this is all I’ve got. I could pull out a diary, but why do that? LOL. That would be too private and would make too much sense. Then y’all wouldn’t have the privilege of reading my thoughts.

I’ve known that, if nothing else, the next woman needs to be great. She needs to not be a red flag. Not be a troublemaker. I told PDH that anyone he dates cannot know where either of us lives and they need to be well vetted before going anywhere near our son. I told PDH that if Gremlin is put in jeopardy because of his choices, then he’s in jeopardy. I hope he understands the significance of what I said. He nodded in agreement at the time.

I have considered dating as well. I’m not sure if I’m ready for that. There is emotional vulnerability to a certain extent when dating. The dating scene also seems ghetto as hell from what I’ve observed. PDH knew I was agitated after I asked who he was talking to. I scoffed and walked off. He asked if we needed to talk about it. I just reminded him to keep things kosher. There was more I could have said, but what’s the point? Would it be fair and reasonable for me to tell him to wait? I don’t know. Is it hurtful for some strange reason that he’s dating? Yes. Why? I’m not absolutely sure. I could date just because he is dating. Maybe it would be therapeutic? It could also make me feel worse.

After we left the event, I took our Gremlin with me. Ideally I would like for our child to stay with his dad for a few days. He prefers being with me, mostly. Gremlin didn’t want to go with dad upon leaving, so he was picked up later. I wasn’t sure how it would go during pick up time, but there were no issues. Gremlin is known to throw a tantrum that can lead into a meltdown, if he’s not mentally prepared to spend time with his dad. We have a more predictable schedule for now, so that might be what’s helpful. We are just winging it for the most part. We’ve played around with different types for schedules. Gremlin has a hard time adjusting to change as most autistics do. PDH picked our son up pretty late. It was after 9 and I was surprised he was still planning to come. It was the same day as the event.

I made sure Gremlin was ready to go with dad and he confirmed he was. I figured that PDH went to see the woman after the event, since our son didn’t go home with him, and he had talked on the phone with her earlier. Before picking up Gremlin he had to put air in his tires. I got a text message from the place he went to, thanking me for choosing their service. We literally live around the corner from each other and the place he went to was further away, so I was confused. There is a place to air up tires the next driveway over after leaving his apartment complex. I unintentionally have become a detective when it comes to him. It’s triggering.

I asked if the scenario I came up with in my head was correct and he confirmed. I’m usually right. Sometimes it’s a curse. I know him much better than he knows me. I’ve pretty much studied him. He has been my special interest from the day we started dating. I was all in. Not ride or die because I have questions. I want to know where we’re riding to and why death might be involved, but I was very committed. More than him. I think that’s one of the things that gets me to this day. He wasn’t as committed. It surprised me because I thought he was. I guess I’m still grieving the failure of our marriage and the absolute disrespect thrown my way. The complete and utter betrayal. The other women he claimed to love.

I’ve looked back at the timeline. We were married for only three years when he decided to cheat. He has cheated on me for at least half our marriage? I might still feel like he’s cheating on me. It’s possible my body doesn’t know the difference. There’s a chance I have some form of PTSD from what happened, if that’s possible, given the circumstances. It could just be garden variety trauma. Something I need to ask Bob about. It’s said that the body keeps the score. There’s a book about it. I bought it. I haven’t read it yet. The book addresses how our bodies hold onto our traumatic experiences, even if we have consciously moved on from an event. Our bodies have kept record. Like anxiety, for example.

I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I started taking meds before my official diagnosis because I had a(n) anxiety/panic attack in my sleep. It happened after the first time I left him. In 2018. My anxiety was so high. He was still fraternizing with those women. He claimed to feel hurt that I was leaving him, but continued doing what he was doing. Now here we are, separated again.

The Body Keeps the Score.

You Make Me Do Too Much Labor

/ Candid Journei / Leave a comment

10/10/24

He creates false narratives and lives by them instead of latching onto reality and dealing with the actual situation at hand. He often focuses on the wrong thing. Led by poor self esteem, yet defends himself with the utmost pride to his own detriment because he hates when I’m right. It’s not about who’s right, it’s about what makes sense. Sometimes there are multiple options, other times there are a select few answers.

This man has refused to problem solve. It’s possible he’s dealing with internalized ableism, while still trying to cope with the fact that he’s paralyzed. He’s under the false assumption that I left him because of his paralysis. He’s mad that I became tired of mothering him. He behaves as though I owe him servitude when he hasn’t granted me true partnership.


So many times I’ve been betrayed. Forgotten. Disrespected. Taken for granted. No more. This man is astronomically unaware of what reality is. He tricked me into wasting my energy writing him a letter to explain why I left. After the explanation he has continued to behave as though he never read it. He tells me that he loves me as if I’m unaware. As of love alone is enough.

I take issue with how he loves me. There are positive things I can say about the relationship, but those positives pale in comparison to all the concessions I’ve made and how much I’ve sacrificed and poured into this relationship. I’ve poured so much into HIM. I wasn’t receiving the same in return, thus I could no longer continue on the same path.

The saying that you cannot pour from an empty cup is vehemently accurate. My cup was fully emptied. I sought at least something back in return. Only to be met with incompetence. Willful incompetence, wrapped in the excuse that he’s paralyzed. He’s capable of so much more, but chooses to do the absolute bare minimum, which isn’t much different from his approach prior to paralysis. He lacks self awareness in the most detrimental way.

I understand just as well as most people how hard life is. I have to force myself to get up most mornings. I was essentially living a life of luxury as far as not having to go to work every morning, but I labored in a much different way. He wanted me to be his brain.

He wanted me to think for him. I cared more about his personal wellbeing than him. I put more energy into finding solutions and doing research to help him conquer his internal and external battles. I was only met with apathy. Apathy has been his state of being most of the time. Doing only what may keep him alive. Not realizing that even the minimum he is doing isn’t even the bare minimum. Upon really thinking about it, he does less than the bare minimum. He does just enough to get by, for now.

I cannot be responsible for the entirety of this man’s being. His extreme carelessness toward life forced me into the position of overextending myself because he couldn’t be bothered. Everything one must do in order to maintain a life was left up to me. Any help he offered, I usually had to ask for. Sometimes I would be surprised by him independently stepping in to help without prompting, but it didn’t happen nearly enough.

He asked me what he could do to alleviate some of my anxiety and stress. I told him that taking better care of himself would be a step in the right direction. That didn’t pan out very well. Unwillingly and forcefully being placed in the position of mothering your spouse is very unattractive and exhausting.

We each have our baggage, but we cannot expect anyone else to manage it entirely. We ask for help. Seek out resources. Find solutions, but this man doesn’t do that without prompting. He’s having to learn how to do things on his own now. What infuriates me is that I was actively trying to teach him how to do what he needs to do for the best quality of life, but everything fell upon deaf ears.

We went to our couple’s therapist a few times after I moved out. The last session we had, our therapist was blunt with him. Our therapist essentially said to stop wasting our time if he doesn’t plan to make changes.

I didn’t expect him to change, but I know he needs to.

Poetry

/ Candid Journei / 5 Comments

Your heart deserves to beat peacefully without the fear of breaking

~Alex Elle

I saw this quote this morning and it resonated with me. Naturally my mind went straight to my husband’s infidelity. This quote also reminded me of all the displays of love that social media allows us to be privy to. I know you’re not supposed to want what other people have, but there are times when I wish my husband did a better job of expressing his love for me. I see men using these eloquent words and admonishing their women and it makes me jealous, frankly. I understand that not everyone is a poet, but there’s a need I have to know how he feels, especially after his indiscretion.

Husband got a new job and it starts next month. There is so much preparation that we need to do and it is somewhat stressful to think of. My husband has said that the fact that he’s working so hard to be the breadwinner should be enough to show his love. Love doesn’t pay the bills but money certainly doesn’t love you. Is it crazy to want more? I have told him I’m very appreciative of the fact that he is sustaining our family and working hard, but that doesn’t give him license to do what he pleases or shirk his husbandly duties. A husband does not have a sole purpose to just provide money and it’s insulting that my husband would assume that he doesn’t need to do more to show his love.

It should be clear to me by now that I’m not one of his top priorities. He has emotional pain that he’s dealing with on a daily basis and it seems as though he swims in it. He deals with negativity and emotional pain differently than I do. I definitely understand where he’s coming from but he allows himself to be dominated by his emotions. The problem with that is, emotions can change from one minute to the next. It’s part of what led him to cheat in the first place. I feel as though I make him one of my top priorities, but it seems as though he views me as another one of his responsibilities. I guess that part of the drawback of being a stay at home mom. You’re devalued for one reason or another. I was told by someone that he expressed how much he loved me and I’m wondering what he said because I don’t always feel it. I could be nitpicking but this is what infidelity does. It makes you question everything.

I guess I feel entitled to have my heart beat without the fear of it breaking. It has already been broken and now it is being held together loosely with scotch tape. I don’t want to end up being the stupid wife who stayed.

I Don’t Know What to Put Here

/ Candid Journei / 2 Comments

I haven’t told my husband about my blog. It’s something I’ve debated. Should I or should I not? I don’t generally keep things from him but I feel as though this blog is something that should be my own. It’s how I sort out my thoughts. I think it’s part of what had kept me from running as far away from him as possible.

I still plan in my mind what my escape plan would be if he were to betray me again. I’m in the unfortunate position of not having a job right now, so no income of my own. I’d be starting from scratch if I left. I don’t really want to leave him though.

After my last post he and I had a talk about those stupid shoes. He told me there were other things left in the trunk which belonged to the previous renter of the car and he said I could look if I didn’t believe him. I can’t remember everything we said because I’ve slept several times since then, but something I said pissed him off and he started yelling and I almost left the room. Thankfully our son kept sleeping through our whole discussion.

After his outburst I did my best to explain my feelings in a way he would understand. I don’t have a habit of telling like he does. I think he feels as though it makes him feel better to tell. He has had some emotional traumas himself within the last few years, which he still deals with everyday and I explained that it’s the same for me. Everyday something seems to trigger my memory. Everyday I’m still working through what he did, trying to trust him again.

I let him know that even when it comes to his emotional traumas I try to be a comfort. I try the best that I can to be understanding and I just want the same. It’s not as if he needs more or less comfort than I do but support is what we need to provide reach other as a married couple. It’s not a competition for who is sadder but on some level it feels like that sometimes.

I explained that I was not trying to compare the level of pain either of us feel, but I was trying to get him to step outside of his own pain to see mine just as I do for him with his struggles. Part of what led to my husband’s cheating was his selfishness and focusing on his pain, not taking me into account. I tried not to minimize how he feels but rather make sure he understands how I feel.

I told him he needs to makes me feel wanted. He started resting on his laurels since I made the mistake of telling him I was starting to trust him again. I don’t beat him over the head everyday with the fact that he cheated but that doesn’t mean he’s off the hook and I had to explain that as well. I’d like to think I’m a very kind and loving wife. I’m not perfect, but I am patient. Sometimes too patient and maybe too understanding.

I will have to do a better job of making my feelings clear on a more regular basis. I let him know that I’m haunted by images whenever we’ve been intimate. Even when we’re not I’m still haunted. I told him I still have questions in my mind as to what they did and why he loved her. I wonder if he’s actually over her. I’ve decided that I don’t need the answer to these questions. I’m in enough pain without knowing the answers. I can probably answer the questions myself anyway which is another reason why I don’t force the issue as far as those unanswered questions are concerned. Some things don’t need to be in my head. At this point I’m able to do a little better job with shoving the images out of my mind.

We have a beautiful, precious, patient, sweet, adorable baby. When I look at him I’m still astounded by his existence. He’s our second child. Our first passed away because he was born prematurely when I was going on six months pregnant. I’m amazed that my husband cheated on me while I was working to produce this wonderful blessing from God. It’s a huge slap in the face. I sometimes hate that when I look at our son I’m reminded of what my husband did. I just hope and pray that my husband’s infidelity doesn’t somehow ruin our son.

This particular entry may be scatter brained but that’s how I kind of feel right now. Scattered. I love my husband to pieces and it makes me sad to think he doesn’t love me as much as I thought. He tells me he loves me almost everyday since our conversation at the beginning of this week. I let him know I love him as well. I don’t know if he truly understands the significance of those words.

When we first got married my aunt and I had a conversation about marriage and she proposed the idea that the man sometimes has to love the woman more in order for the marriage to work. I told her I thought he loved me more, but oh how wrong I was to believe that. We keep moving forward though. Nowhere else for us to go. My mother sent us an anniversary card commending is for making it through this far, not knowing about the infidelity. My husband asked if she was really talking about us.

Talk About a Trigger

/ Candid Journei / 1 Comment

You try and go through your days feeling fine. Then something triggers you and you’re back to where you started.

It has been almost five months exactly from the day that I discovered my husband’s infidelity. I’m usually fine then something will set me off and I try to fight the images that try to ensnare my mind. I try not to think about him with her. I try not to think about the fact that he fell in love with another woman and had sex with her. I try not to think about the fact that he had two women whom he shared some of the most intimate parts of himself. Physically and emotionally. I’m still healing from giving birth so we have unfortunately been unable to resume normal activities.

My husband had been out of state for work and I couldn’t go with him because I was pregnant, but after six weeks I moved temporarily to a state that is closer to him. I am staying with family and we see him during the weekends now instead of once a month, like before. It’s not a perfect situation, but it’s definitely better than what it was before…so I thought.

If we don’t drive out to see him, he rents a car to see us. We went out tonight, kind of late, to go and eat and we took the rental car. I wanted to stop by the store afterward, so we did. My sister and I picked up some things while he waited in the car with our son. When we were done we loaded up the trunk with our purchases then went back to the house. My sister unloaded the stuff and found a Burlington Coat Factory plastic bag with a pair of women’s shoes in it. My sister asked me if it was mine and I said no. I asked my husband about the shoes. He said they were in the car when he got it and he said to leave them alone.

He was grumpy. He was really tired and he is also just angry in general because his family has gone through some things and life seems to hold no joy any more. When he had been cheating on me he would be short with me when I questioned him about things. You can see how this situation is a huge problem. My sister doesn’t know about his previous adultery but she still didn’t really buy his excuse because rental car companies usually clean out the car after it has been returned unless someone was really careless and didn’t do their job properly.

I am considering calling up the company he rented from to find out how it all works. I really don’t know how I am going to handle it if he is cheating on me again. I really want to give him the benefit of the doubt. He is going through what appears to be some emotional turmoil but I really don’t want to join him. I like to have a general balanced outlook on life. Take the good with the bad, but don’t unpack and live in the land of sorrow or in the land of delusion. I like to keep some optimism about me while still being realistic. I have already shed tears over this. I’m reliving a bit of the pain that I felt that night on d-day.

I’ve started concocting scenarios in my mind of what possibly led to these shoes being in the trunk of this rental car. He had been using it for work on Thursday, then drove it out here to visit us on Friday night, then drove back to return the rental today, get another one, and drive back here. He said they gave him the same car. I’m thinking he didn’t really have time to have another woman in his car because he was driving the car around for work on Thursday, then he had to get some rest, then he was driving again. I’m really trying to figure this out. He went to sleep almost immediately after it happened so I couldn’t talk to him about it.

This all happened a few hours ago so this is all fresh in my mind. My sister asked me if I talked to him about it. This is a deep sigh type of situation. I don’t want to work myself up into a frenzy and I’ve already cried about it. He has his suitcase and two bags of clothes in the trunk. I know he saw the bag even if it was left in there from the previous renter. My husband has already proven himself to be thick headed at times, but this is something else. You better believe I have questions when he wakes in the morning. Things haven’t been normal for a while now and this doesn’t help. I try to show love and be a supportive wife. I feel some times that he makes me feel as though I don’t do enough.

It’s quite possible that there’s still a break down in communication and he may still feel as though he can’t talk to me. He does things that trigger me and he doesn’t seem to get it. He has told me before that I should basically get over it. He hasn’t used those words but he wants to move forward as though he didn’t cheat on me. Is that a red flag? I have heard from other wives on here whose husbands have vowed to try and do what they need to do. I suppose he has said that I should tell him what he needs to do so I can trust him again. I made the mistake of telling him that I’m starting to trust him again. This is mind boggling and heart breaking. I don’t want to think about divorce. I don’t want to think of separation. I don’t want to think drastically in order to wake him up.

UUGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!

It’s my birthday month! This is supposed to be a glorious time!

People have made such statements as, your husband has told me how much he loves you and your marriage is doing so well and other such nonsense. It saddens me when I hear these things. It still feels odd. Like this isn’t real life. We can never go back. Are we even really moving forward?

I found myself wondering if this is the time to confide in my sister. If I left my husband I would definitely have to start over. I would need a job or I would have to go back to school. I would have to reanalyze my entire life. I would be like my mom except I would have to start from almost nothing. I HATE HAVING TO THINK OF THESE THINGS!

When I married him I pictured spending the rest of my life with him. Growing old with him. I am so SICK of finding myself being in love with who my significant other used to be or could be. I guess the struggle is loving who he is now, but it’s hard to know who he is when I can’t trust him. How can I love an adulterer. Am I just supposed to ignore how I feel? Be numb? Stop caring about life? I can’t.

Maybe now I should just focus on living for my son’s beautiful smile and calm personality. Definitely a deep sigh situation.

Letting go of the Past

/ Candid Journei / Leave a comment

This is something that I need to remind myself of from time to time. The beginning was wonderful, sweet, optimistic, maybe even genuine, but now is the time to deal with reality. I can look at the past as a cute story to tell, but I need to accept our reality.

“Nostalgia is a dirty liar that insists things were better than they seemed.” -Michelle K., I Can’t Stop Questioning It.

Trouble Sleeping

/ Candid Journei / 1 Comment

I’ve been having trouble sleeping for the past few months. When I say that, people ask me why and I’m not entirely sure what I’m suppose to say because I haven’t really told people about the affair. I want to say “I can’t sleep because my husband’s infidelity keeps me up at night.” There are times when I’m ok and he’s able to reassure me temporarily, then I look at his text message and phone records online and then I’m not necessarily reassured anymore. I check because I don’t trust him. I don’t want to have to go through this. I just want him to respect me, respect our marriage, respect the vows we made. Why is that so hard? He had claimed that part of the reason he cheated was because of his sex drive. He was having intercourse with one of the OW when he was on a business trip. I’m having difficulty accepting the idea that he doesn’t have enough self control to not fuck somebody who isn’t me. I feel as though he just gave up trying to be faithful because his penis was talking too loud? I don’t know. I want to look into getting counseling for the both of us. Maybe look into the whole “I enjoy sex too much so I cheated on you because you weren’t around” theory. I like to be compassionate, but at the same time there’s just certain BS that I really don’t feel I should put up with.

I find myself thinking about preparing to jump ship if he doesn’t truly commit like he should from this point on. My mother always taught me to be independent, even if I’m married. I find myself as dependent in this relationship, but if need be I will change that. I can’t allow myself to be emotionally abused. I have asked him to tell me why he loves me. Of course he can never say enough about how good looking I am and how sexy I look (which I appreciate), but I feel there should be more. Outside of my appearance he loves the fact that I can stimulate his mind. I guess physical stimulation trumps the mental. I’m tired, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Our marriage isn’t a priority of his, clearly, or else we wouldn’t be in this position. I don’t even know where I rank on his list of priorities but I imagine it’s pretty low. I don’t want to do all the work. A marriage is supposed to be each person giving 100%. Divorce is 50/50, not marriage.

Wracking my brain about all of this makes me kind of angry. I HATE that I’m in this position. Sometimes I feel void of feeling. It must be a defense mechanism so I’m not crushed under the weight of all my emotions. I’m so conflicted because I love him but our relationship has been tainted now. I don’t want to stay married just for financial security or just because we’re having a baby (due this coming Monday). I want to stay because I feel deeply loved, respected, wanted. Is that too much to ask? I have love for myself. I respect myself. I also have love and respect for him, which is why I haven’t packed my bags and ran, yet. I want to give us a chance; however, I cannot be emotionally abused or abused in any way for that matter. I’ve been a glutton for punishment before, but I’m too old for that now and too wise. I know my worth. I’m a diamond and I cannot be treated as well crafted, shiny glass.

I do my best to make myself as clear as possible to him. We will be able to hash things out better once he comes back tomorrow. I may have some sort of pinched nerve situation from being pregnant and it’s causing some pain and swelling. I hope it’s nothing serious. To have to deal with being pregnant and this BS…my husband’s timing is horrendous. Of all the times to be selfish he choose the time when I’m pregnant. Sometimes I feel like I just can’t with the BS.

Broken Trust

/ Candid Journei / 4 Comments

This statement popped up on my Facebook feed from one of the pages I follow. It’s dedicated to advice relating to marriage. I should probably stop following it since it almost stings every time there’s something posted, but it helps me to think:

“Successful marriages are built on trust. It takes years to build trust but it takes a single secret to destroy it and it might take a whole lifetime of proven honest living to restore and repair it. Don’t take your spouse’s trust for granted. Respect your spouse and honor your vows. Live an honorable, open and honest life.” -Isaac Kubvoruno

The strange thing, for lack of a better word, is that I don’t need this reminder. My husband does. I remember someone saying that infidelity is due in part to a lack of respect. I can definitely believe that. It’s wild that my husband seems to love me, but doesn’t respect me. He gets so caught up in himself. I didn’t ever really think of him as being selfish because of his strong desire to help others; although, helping others doesn’t mean that you’re not selfish. There’s self gratification in knowing that you’ve done good and it boosts the ego. Something I didn’t really think of until now. I was my husband’s first girlfriend and he married me. I often wonder if this contributes to his behavior of not factoring me into his plans and not considering my feelings. Lack of understanding of the basics of a relationship. Unless it’s just a male trait.

I really want to trust him, but I can’t. Not fully. It’s a conundrum because he appears so trustworthy, but that was the problem in the first place. Looks can be deceiving. I have this desire to hire a private detective to spy on him regularly and thoroughly check all his phone calls, etc. and…damn it, that’s just too much work! I shouldn’t have to live life feeling this way and I HATE that he’s responsible for making me feel this way! He has been away on business out of state and as far as I know, no OW are there. He’s coming back for the birth of our child. One of the OW lives in our county. He behaves as though it’s not a problem. He met this woman at a function at a location which we still visit from time to time. Whenever he mentions going there I tell him of my concern about seeing her and it’s almost as if he’s entertained by the idea and it’s sickening. A blog that I read, as negative as it is, helped me to understand something. It’s an ego boost for my husband to see me jealous and desiring to fight another woman over him (at least in theory). He has also mentioned going to this location himself as though it’s not a problem. My husband isn’t stupid but he behaves as though he is. I suppose he would just leap at the chance to see the woman he started an emotional affair with. He has told me that leaving these women alone is no problem, but I don’t believe him! It’s hard to believe anything he says!

This is some frustrating garbage. He can be so loving sometimes, but when I actually think about his behavior, he doesn’t have as much enthusiasm for me as he used to. This is normal after being together for a certain amount of time, but that doesn’t mean it should be accepted. He used to tell me what a great woman I was and he didn’t want to let me slip away. He treated me as though I was some sort of precious jewel, but now I have to remind him that he needs to consciously interact with me on that level. I know I’m old news, but we need to keep the spark going. It takes two to tango and I’m going to give him whatever tips he needs in order to keep dancing with me until death do we part. If he can’t change or relapses I think I may lose my mind. There’s so much work to be done, but hey, marriage.

Men Are Selfish Idiots (D-Day Nov. 28, 2014)

/ Candid Journei / 1 Comment

I’m being very broad in my statement of all men being idiots, but I would like to talk about my idiot. My selfish idiot. I love him, obviously, or I wouldn’t have married him and endeavored to start a family with him. He couldn’t claim any ONE specific reason for his betrayal but in summation I suppose it boiled down to sadness, loss of faith, a hero complex, and probably depression. We’ve had a rough go of it these past few years with more deaths than either of us would have cared for and other family tragedies that could be likened to metaphorical deaths. My family is generally drama free, but his is chock FULL of it. I had myself fooled into thinking that we were some sort of power couple. Not perfect, not to be envied, but possibly admired. Then I discovered in the wee hours of the morning after Thanksgiving that I was all wrong.

My husband works in a field which requires travel outside of this state, inevitably. Sometimes it’s a lot of travel. I’m usually able to go with him, but this past year I’ve been prevented from doing so because I was working at one point, then I became pregnant and was automatically put on the no fly list because our last baby was born prematurely and did not survive, but that’s another story for another time. If anyone wants to hear it, let me know. I was considered “high-risk.” One of his trips lasted about a month and this current one has lasted through most of my pregnancy and will continue on until the summer. This is the longest work related travel he’s been on. Hubby comes back home when he can. Little did I know that he couldn’t be trusted to be on his own.

After a day of “giving thanks” it was time for rest, which I was greatly lacking due to pregnancy insomnia (not sure if this is a real thing but I’ll call it that). My husband crashed, as usual. He sleeps like a rock. He can open his eyes, respond to what I say, then go back to sleep without any recollection of what occurred the night before. Usually when he crashes I’ll help him remove shoes, stuff from his pockets, and whatever else so he can sleep comfortably and wake in the morning with a charged phone. I couldn’t find his charger for some reason so I decided to put his phone on my charger.

I’m not a nosy person. I’m not one of those wives who is prone to levels of distrust which causes me to go through his belongings on any sort of regular basis, if at all. Such things generally don’t even cross my mind because I trusted him. I thought that there’s always the ever so slight chance that he could cheat on me, but I only thought this in a theoretical sense, not a realistic one. For some reason on that particular night/early morning I felt compelled to look at his text messages and to my horror I actually found several things.

There were two women who stood out in particular. There were photos and words exchanged which were not appropriate when used outside the confines of marriage. Possibly the most heartbreaking of the texts was the correspondence in which he called one of these elephants “honey” and told her he loved her. I could swear I was having a stroke or something because I could NOT believe what I was reading. My heart was about to beat out of my chest. In another text I found pictures which were risque (no nudes, thankfully) that he had taken and sent to this woman. It appeared as though they were at a club of some sort. There were two classless looking women…ratchet, for lack of a better word, doing lewd things such as bending over and putting their middle fingers in their butt cracks. I failed to see how that was attractive and I still do. Other texts included some selfies here and there which weren’t anything alarming, but begged the question, why are you sending these to my HUSBAND, BITCH? He had also sent a couple of shirtless selfies himself with a big stupid grin on his face, flexing his muscles. Selfish idiot.

My favorite correspondence was from the second elephant. Their text correspondence was lengthy and appeared to date back a while. This heifer had told my husband that he was sexy and said she was falling for him and other intimate, inappropriate remarks a home wrecker would make to a married man. He responded saying that he wanted to make sure that he satisfied her or made her happy or some BS. I’m reading these texts wondering why the FUCK he needs to be concerned about making her happy??? He made reference to the other elephant and stated that he made a “friend” but didn’t want to tell me about her because I would accuse him of cheating…well…if the shoe fits, then lace that bitch up and wear it motherfucker! It was in the correspondence with this particular elephant that I discovered my husband’s desire to explore polygamy. He had mentioned it to me briefly before but not as a serious endeavor. This dizzy bitch asks him why he’s married to someone who doesn’t share his values? Well, you ignoramus, we made vows when we got married referencing something about forsaking all others and at the time he wanted to hold true to that. Parts of the conversation were somewhat sexual in nature but it seemed more emotional.

After going through a good portion of texts, photos, and his call logs, I was pretty wrecked. As I was going through the information I was shaking and I was crying and I was about to lose my mind. I contemplated waking him but I wanted him to be fully rested and lucid when I interrogated him. I needed to speak to someone but I didn’t know who. I had to get out of the house and get out of that room. I got in the car and went to walmart to buy a laptop. I also called my father and told him what happened after a bit of shop talk and asking questions about the divorce he and my mother had. He was the only person I knew, other than my sister who would be awake at 3ish in the morning. He encouraged me to confront my husband with the information I had and express myself how I see fit. They say it’s best to be careful who you confide in when it comes to affairs and I think my father was the best candidate. My father is like me in that he has emotions, but he is more level headed and logical than emotional. My sister would have been too emotional and possibly would have strangled my husband then and there or at least cussed him out. My sister and I are pretty close but I don’t know how she would handle all this.

I got about three hours of sleep, as per the usual in my pregnant state and waited for him to wake up. I believe there are different levels to cheaters. There are those who will own up to what they’ve done (at least the “important” stuff) and those who will lie as much as they can for as long as possible. I wanted to see what he would do. The information I found didn’t really tell much other than the fact that he was doing things he wasn’t supposed to. He woke up and of course wanted to cuddle a little and I decided to hit him with what I found. Started off with the “honey” and “I love you” text. Then I made reference to the lengthier texts with polygamy and other tomfoolery. At first he tried to meekly brush it off but conceded defeat and basically admitted to having an emotional affair. He said that he and the woman didn’t have intercourse but they talked about it and it was certainly headed in that direction.

I was devastated to find all of this out. Being pregnant is rough enough, especially since I’ve been dealing with anxiety, but this was just…UUGGHH! We talked and I expressed my disappointment. He listened and answered any questions I had. There’s so much that happened and I don’t feel like typing it all. I told him I felt as though he didn’t love me and he of course said that he did. I thought he only had emotional affairs, but then I asked if he had intercourse with either of them and he asked me if I really wanted to know…now…we all know what that means. He said yes and what I thought couldn’t get worse got worse…and even more worse when I asked why and he told me that a relationship developed, he caught feelings, fell in love, and had sex with her multiple times, unprotected. I swear in that moment I could have died and several moments after. I cried intermittently throughout our conversation in our room trying not to be too loud because my father in law was around.

There were so many emotions. There still are. He was going to go back to work come Sunday and he was leaving me with the knowledge that there were two other women. One in our “home” state (the emotional affair) and another in one of the states where he went for his other business trip for a month, where he then fell in love with and fucked someone who is not ME. Before he left we somehow reached the conclusion that he would cease contact with these women and we deleted them from his phone and blocked them. He was friends with one of them on Facebook so we deleted her from his list and then I had to look at his messages. He of course didn’t want me to but that was because I would only be disappointed. I read a message that he wanted to impregnate her. Selfish idiot. He said he was glad he didn’t do it. I said he should be because I would high tail it out of here if he comes around with some BS about having a child with another woman. After he went back to work I had time to think of more questions. I wondered about the timeline so I asked him about it. His affairs had spanned roughly 8 months. He started fucking that one elephant the month he went out of state. The month before my birthday. The month of our anniversary.  He met the other elephant not long after he returned from his trip. During that time he had actually asked to start trying again for a child knowing full well he was cheating on me.

I don’t know how things will turn out for our marriage, but this is what I do know: He apologized for hurting me with tears in his eyes and said he wants to work on gaining my trust again. Unfortunately he didn’t promise me that he won’t cheat again. This should be a read flag, shouldn’t it. I know I can’t control him, but I know that he contacts me everyday now. He sends me selfies and I send him selfies. He has personal struggles and I have mine. My world has been shattered and it’s like this isn’t real life. I never saw any of this coming. I know I love him. He’s endearing, sweet, ironically genuine, caring, has a big heart, and he, unfortunately manages to melt mine. He also manages to agitate me, too. The rose colored glasses have come off but I want to give us a fighting chance. If we lose, then we lose, but it won’t be for a lack of trying. I don’t want to hold onto anger. I’m not even angry any more, but I’m hurt. I have triggers. I struggle to fully trust him.

Why I’m Here the Reason for my Blog Title

/ Candid Journei / 6 Comments

As I’ve been doing “research” to figure out how to deal with infidelity and seek out stories from people’s own experiences, I realize there don’t seem to be many young, married couples under the age of 40 or 50 who have been married or together for less than 10 years. I find it interesting, but I also figured it may be beneficial for somebody if I shared my experience and my feelings.

I have found myself needing an outlet. I have only told one person about the infidelity and I don’t want to burden that person with they daily worries and concerns I have. It is very likely that no one will care to read my blog but I find this to be somewhat cathartic. I have my good days and my bad days and I vacillate between being full of hope and love one day or moment, then something will happen to knock me down and I’ll be filled with doubt and sadness with a dash of despair.

I’m not going to call myself a Christian because organized religion is very questionable to me, but I definitely believe in prayer and God. The only thing I’ve been able to do throughout this process is pray. For myself, for my husband, and for our marriage. When I feel as though things aren’t going the way they should and think that my husband doesn’t care for me, I pray for a sign that he gives a crap and he does something which let’s me know the man I married is in there somewhere.

I need to get these words out so they’re no longer inside of me threatening the life they belong to.

The reason why I gave my blog the title of “Lying in Wait to Exhale” is because I feel as though I can’t breath. It’s like I’m holding my breath, waiting to see if we make it through. Everyday I’m wondering if the elephants will come back. Will he entertain them? Will he go back to betraying me? Will he still feel like cheating on me with our baby in the picture? Is he going to wake up one day and decide he no longer wants to be with me? There are so many questions I can’t breath. I feel as if I’m constantly bracing myself for something devastating. He has essentially crushed our world and the life we used to have. But we keep moving forward.