10/10/24

He creates false narratives and lives by them instead of latching onto reality and dealing with the actual situation at hand. He often focuses on the wrong thing. Led by poor self esteem, yet defends himself with the utmost pride to his own detriment because he hates when I’m right. It’s not about who’s right, it’s about what makes sense. Sometimes there are multiple options, other times there are a select few answers.

This man has refused to problem solve. It’s possible he’s dealing with internalized ableism, while still trying to cope with the fact that he’s paralyzed. He’s under the false assumption that I left him because of his paralysis. He’s mad that I became tired of mothering him. He behaves as though I owe him servitude when he hasn’t granted me true partnership.

So many times I’ve been betrayed. Forgotten. Disrespected. Taken for granted. No more. This man is astronomically unaware of what reality is. He tricked me into wasting my energy writing him a letter to explain why I left. After the explanation he has continued to behave as though he never read it. He tells me that he loves me as if I’m unaware. As of love alone is enough.

I take issue with how he loves me. There are positive things I can say about the relationship, but those positives pale in comparison to all the concessions I’ve made and how much I’ve sacrificed and poured into this relationship. I’ve poured so much into HIM. I wasn’t receiving the same in return, thus I could no longer continue on the same path.

The saying that you cannot pour from an empty cup is vehemently accurate. My cup was fully emptied. I sought at least something back in return. Only to be met with incompetence. Willful incompetence, wrapped in the excuse that he’s paralyzed. He’s capable of so much more, but chooses to do the absolute bare minimum, which isn’t much different from his approach prior to paralysis. He lacks self awareness in the most detrimental way.

I understand just as well as most people how hard life is. I have to force myself to get up most mornings. I was essentially living a life of luxury as far as not having to go to work every morning, but I labored in a much different way. He wanted me to be his brain.

He wanted me to think for him. I cared more about his personal wellbeing than him. I put more energy into finding solutions and doing research to help him conquer his internal and external battles. I was only met with apathy. Apathy has been his state of being most of the time. Doing only what may keep him alive. Not realizing that even the minimum he is doing isn’t even the bare minimum. Upon really thinking about it, he does less than the bare minimum. He does just enough to get by, for now.

I cannot be responsible for the entirety of this man’s being. His extreme carelessness toward life forced me into the position of overextending myself because he couldn’t be bothered. Everything one must do in order to maintain a life was left up to me. Any help he offered, I usually had to ask for. Sometimes I would be surprised by him independently stepping in to help without prompting, but it didn’t happen nearly enough.

He asked me what he could do to alleviate some of my anxiety and stress. I told him that taking better care of himself would be a step in the right direction. That didn’t pan out very well. Unwillingly and forcefully being placed in the position of mothering your spouse is very unattractive and exhausting.

We each have our baggage, but we cannot expect anyone else to manage it entirely. We ask for help. Seek out resources. Find solutions, but this man doesn’t do that without prompting. He’s having to learn how to do things on his own now. What infuriates me is that I was actively trying to teach him how to do what he needs to do for the best quality of life, but everything fell upon deaf ears.

We went to our couple’s therapist a few times after I moved out. The last session we had, our therapist was blunt with him. Our therapist essentially said to stop wasting our time if he doesn’t plan to make changes.

I didn’t expect him to change, but I know he needs to.