Adultery

The Next Woman

/ Candid Journei / Leave a comment

I’ve reached an interesting place in my journey. It’s difficult to explain, but I’m uncomfortable. They say discomfort is a good sign of change. Not sure if I fully buy into that, but let’s hope so.

I’m in between jobs. Fun-employed, if you will. I had to leave my previous job because I reached a level of anxiety that ushered in suicidal ideation. I hadn’t felt that in months, so I figured it was time to move on. I found a contract job, but it was only for about a month. Now I’m attempting to find a job that will allow me to officially be independent. I still have to rely on my…ex? Estranged husband? I don’t know the title, but we are still legally wed and sharing custody of our Gremlin. We don’t hate each other. Never have, but the way he has treated our marriage, one would assume otherwise.

I’ve been out for over a year now. It has been difficult to nail down a job that offers a livable wage with benefits. This country is deep in the pits of hell, but we move, until we can’t. I’m trying to be grateful for my circumstances until I get to the next place I need to be, wherever that is.

My therapist, we’ll call him Bob, and I have discussed next steps a few times. Employment continues to pop up because I have transferable skills, but no one is letting me transfer them. It’s infuriating. He has provided different ideas/avenues for me to explore. Thinking outside the box. I consider applying for lower wage jobs, but I NEED something more than that. I have a child. If it were just me I wouldn’t care. Outside of employment, I’ve been contemplating relationships.

When speaking with Bob we stumbled upon the subject of PDH (previous dear husband) and him dating. He has a high sex drive and hates being alone, so it’s something I’ve had to think about. It’s nauseating. He suggested that I open up the line of communication regarding these types of activities. I inquired if PDH was interested in dating. He was trying to get me to go on dates, but that wasn’t going to happen. Recently I incidentally discovered he is dating someone. We were out at an event for autism with our Gremlin and she called him. I didn’t recognize the name and he nearly fell into the grass trying to answer his phone. I could tell by the tone of his voice that it was someone he liked. I was peeved. Caught of guard.

He never confirmed his desire to begin dating. I asked who he was talking to and he told me that it was indeed a woman he met. This man downloaded a dating app and met a woman. The dreaded day arrived. I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel. It’s that double edged sword of knowing you can’t stay with the person you’ve loved for over a decade because they continue to disrespect you, while simultaneously not wanting them to date because of feelings. Bad feelings. I suppose jealousy is what I’m feeling? Defensiveness because of trust issues?

One out of two of the last affair partners trashed the place he was renting after I moved out. He gave her the key to the place so she could clean, which made absolutely no sense. She’s not a maid. Just a trashy woman. I had to clean up that mess. She also kept a car he lent her. It was still in his name and not paid off. Getting it back was a pain in the ass. The second out of the two mistresses was driving while he was in the car and he got a ticket because of her ganja. He fell on the sword to protect her, apparently. He went to court to deal with that and they let it go. I’m the best decision he’s ever made. I’m wary of anyone new.

I found myself triggered upon seeing this new name. I was flashing back to the times I caught him cheating on me. He still has the phone number of one of his original affair partners. We’ll call her Danielle. Mind you, he first started messing with her in 2014. Eleven years ago. He still has her number. Do y’all understand how shitty that is? I just left him last year. I’m now remembering that I saw him texting Danielle after I texted him before that day, that he could date other people. This current lady didn’t show up until recently.

We were at our son’s swim practice a couple of weeks ago and I brought up dating, again. At the time, he changed the subject. Looking back…I wonder if he had already downloaded the dating app and just decided not to tell me? He has a history of lying, obviously. I still can’t fully trust him. He lies by omission as well. I was irritated after seeing Danielle’s name on his phone. He was texting her while picking up Gremlin. I wasn’t really surprised, but I was insulted. It further solidified the fact that he wasn’t to be fully trusted. It further validated why I needed to leave. An indication that he still wasn’t committed to me. Because why the fuck does he still have her number over a decade later? He was never fully in. Especially not after 2014. Some time before I decided we needed to separate, he reached out to the weed head to see how she was doing. I felt it was a big red flag. For some odd reason our couple’s therapist didn’t think it was a big issue? He must’ve been having an off day.

I don’t believe I’m fully healed. Especially with the discovery of the relatively recent events, mentioned above, prior to leaving him. I think I have to type out my feelings to assess them. Bob is on vacation for another week, so this is all I’ve got. I could pull out a diary, but why do that? LOL. That would be too private and would make too much sense. Then y’all wouldn’t have the privilege of reading my thoughts.

I’ve known that, if nothing else, the next woman needs to be great. She needs to not be a red flag. Not be a troublemaker. I told PDH that anyone he dates cannot know where either of us lives and they need to be well vetted before going anywhere near our son. I told PDH that if Gremlin is put in jeopardy because of his choices, then he’s in jeopardy. I hope he understands the significance of what I said. He nodded in agreement at the time.

I have considered dating as well. I’m not sure if I’m ready for that. There is emotional vulnerability to a certain extent when dating. The dating scene also seems ghetto as hell from what I’ve observed. PDH knew I was agitated after I asked who he was talking to. I scoffed and walked off. He asked if we needed to talk about it. I just reminded him to keep things kosher. There was more I could have said, but what’s the point? Would it be fair and reasonable for me to tell him to wait? I don’t know. Is it hurtful for some strange reason that he’s dating? Yes. Why? I’m not absolutely sure. I could date just because he is dating. Maybe it would be therapeutic? It could also make me feel worse.

After we left the event, I took our Gremlin with me. Ideally I would like for our child to stay with his dad for a few days. He prefers being with me, mostly. Gremlin didn’t want to go with dad upon leaving, so he was picked up later. I wasn’t sure how it would go during pick up time, but there were no issues. Gremlin is known to throw a tantrum that can lead into a meltdown, if he’s not mentally prepared to spend time with his dad. We have a more predictable schedule for now, so that might be what’s helpful. We are just winging it for the most part. We’ve played around with different types for schedules. Gremlin has a hard time adjusting to change as most autistics do. PDH picked our son up pretty late. It was after 9 and I was surprised he was still planning to come. It was the same day as the event.

I made sure Gremlin was ready to go with dad and he confirmed he was. I figured that PDH went to see the woman after the event, since our son didn’t go home with him, and he had talked on the phone with her earlier. Before picking up Gremlin he had to put air in his tires. I got a text message from the place he went to, thanking me for choosing their service. We literally live around the corner from each other and the place he went to was further away, so I was confused. There is a place to air up tires the next driveway over after leaving his apartment complex. I unintentionally have become a detective when it comes to him. It’s triggering.

I asked if the scenario I came up with in my head was correct and he confirmed. I’m usually right. Sometimes it’s a curse. I know him much better than he knows me. I’ve pretty much studied him. He has been my special interest from the day we started dating. I was all in. Not ride or die because I have questions. I want to know where we’re riding to and why death might be involved, but I was very committed. More than him. I think that’s one of the things that gets me to this day. He wasn’t as committed. It surprised me because I thought he was. I guess I’m still grieving the failure of our marriage and the absolute disrespect thrown my way. The complete and utter betrayal. The other women he claimed to love.

I’ve looked back at the timeline. We were married for only three years when he decided to cheat. He has cheated on me for at least half our marriage? I might still feel like he’s cheating on me. It’s possible my body doesn’t know the difference. There’s a chance I have some form of PTSD from what happened, if that’s possible, given the circumstances. It could just be garden variety trauma. Something I need to ask Bob about. It’s said that the body keeps the score. There’s a book about it. I bought it. I haven’t read it yet. The book addresses how our bodies hold onto our traumatic experiences, even if we have consciously moved on from an event. Our bodies have kept record. Like anxiety, for example.

I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I started taking meds before my official diagnosis because I had a(n) anxiety/panic attack in my sleep. It happened after the first time I left him. In 2018. My anxiety was so high. He was still fraternizing with those women. He claimed to feel hurt that I was leaving him, but continued doing what he was doing. Now here we are, separated again.

The Body Keeps the Score.

Dissolution

/ Candid Journei / 2 Comments

After the second D-day I started gathering as much “intel” as I could. I found so much. He was going behind my back financially on top of cheating on me with other women. Oh, the joy (heavy sarcasm).

I was trying to decide my strategy for leaving him because it was definitely going to happen. I thought I would go through legal aid because I’m a SAHM. I’ve heard they get screwed over in these situations. The man I used to know wouldn’t do something like that, but finding all the documents I found freaked me out.

So much betrayal has happened. I felt like I wasn’t safe. Some people had asked me if I felt safe and I couldn’t say, unequivocally, that I did. He had not abused me before, but I didn’t want to take any chances. I waited quite a few weeks before I decided to contact a lawyer. I saw we had some money in one of our joint accounts that would cover the cost of representation.

I had a quick consultation over the phone, met with the lawyer in person, got the papers, and made an appointment to meet up with him again the following week. From that moment I was pretty anxious. I had to make copies of everything, fill out the affidavids, while looking after our son, and trying to transition him to a better daycare. What our son has been facing is a long story in and of itself. He needs speech therapy and some other intervention.

To jump to the point, I ended up telling him I discovered he’s cheating, again. “Again” meaning I found out again. He never stopped cheating though. The same mistress he had last time, the so called emotional affair partner, is still around. He also has others. I told him I wanted a divorce or a dissolution.  We had the conversation over the phone.

He was trying to process what I was saying while trying to convince me not to leave him. We had a long talk. My sister and my son were in the car. It was kind of late for my son to be out. He was trying to be patient. He’s so sweet. I told my husband to stay elsewhere. He stayed at a hotel for the weekend.

I allowed him to come back Monday night. Hotels are expensive. He has extended family out here. I thought he might even try to stay with the hoes. He claims he is trying to focus on “our family” right now. It’s funny because he wasn’t concerned about us before.

All the distance I felt between us. The bad felling in the pit of my stomach. I asked him directly if he was cheating, he said no. All the blatant lies. It’s literally like the Sam Smith song.

“You say I’m crazy, cuz you don’t think I know what you’ve done. But when you call me baby, I know I’m not the only one. I have loved you for many years. Maybe I am just not enough. You made me realize my deepest fears, by lying and tearing us up.”

He has said that he wants us to be friends. The wild thing is that I can see it happening. Mainly because I want my son to be at peace. We also used to be friends. I know the truth now. I can’t say my feelings aren’t hurt, but I am able to maintain the point of view that he has deep issues. None of those issues have anything to do with me. I’m not internalizing any of it.

The more we talk, the more he confirms things that I knew were true. The more he comes clean about the times he lied, the more my resolve is strengthened.

His nephew had stayed with us for about four months. He took him back. The consistent affair partner of his lives in the same area as his nephew. I didn’t go because I didn’t want to deal with paying for all four plane tickets and going through the airport and all that. I would call to check on him and chat. He would be out really late. Said he was hanging out with a friend. I had a feeling he saw her, but of course he lied. He told me the truth recently. My instincts were correct.

I’m not crazy. It gives me joy to be able to say that.

What gives me anxiety is coparenting with a man I don’t trust.

He has said he doesn’t want to cause me any more grief, which is why we are having a dissolution, but he still wants to spend time with his son.

He hasn’t been making great decisions and I don’t want our son encountering any of the other women. I also don’t want any of the hoes knowing where his new place is, in case he pisses someone off. It’s likely to happen. Not outside the realm of possibility.

Parents separating is also hard on the kids. I can’t see myself having anyone else in my life anytime soon. I don’t want either of us bringing any one around unless it’s serious. Like, “we’re going to get married” type of serious.

This is all very surreal though. Having to think about these things. Part of me still loves him. Not the cheating part of him, obviously, but the other part. The part of him who I met years ago. He’s in there somewhere.

He has admitted to narcissistic traits. He also says he wants to try to make things easier for me. Make things as amicable as possible, which I appreciate. He has made it clear though that he would love to stay married to me and keep having sex with other women.

It’s pretty wild.

He likes the variety other women bring. I can’t be other women. I can’t have sex like other women. He asked if we could have an open marriage, but I’m simply not interested. I don’t want to be one of many or a few. I want to be THE one.

There are married couple’s who have open marriages or engage in other non-monogamous activities. Good for them. That isn’t my ministry. That’s not the life I want. I’m too boring, apparently. He didn’t correct me when I said this. He usually defends himself if I’m wrong. I wasn’t wrong about that.

As I said, I can’t pretend my feelings aren’t hurt. I can’t wallow in my emotions and I’m not taking responsibility for his lack of interest in me. People change. Especially when a parent dies. That was his catalyst.

At this point he uses his mother’s passing as a crutch or an excuse for infidelity. The irony is that he’s doing the exact opposite of what she would want him to do. She told him to honor his wife. He doesn’t care about that anymore.

He wants to go to couples counseling, again. We went the last couple months of last year. He was cheating while we were getting counseling. He even took notes. He went to counseling to pacify me. I asked what he hopes to gain this time and he said he wants to see if things will be different since he will be honest now.

Honestly, he doesn’t really want me and he doesn’t want marriage. He doesn’t want to be accountable to someone else for anything. Financially, emotionally, or sexually. He wants to be independent. He also has a big hole in his soul and heart that he’s trying to fill with vagina and money.

He has said that he still loves me. His love doesn’t mean much at this point. I’m not sure what kind of love he thinks he has for me. He has shown no remorse.  He’s not sorry for hurting me. I said I hoped the other women were worth throwing away our marriage. Throwing me away as a person, beyond the physical. He was silent after I said this. He probably feels it was worth it.

I’m a kind person. Understanding. Loyal. Loving. Affectionate. I don’t always agree with what he wants to do, so he wants to throw me away. Funny enough, his consistent affair partner is getting on his nerves because she’s too demanding/bossy. She feels he’s required to do whatever she asks. He finds that I annoy him in that way as well. I don’t demand things of him, other than communication and honesty.

He said he wants to be friends with me, but we won’t be besties.

I don’t trust him. He said he knows he has to earn my trust, but if this is anything like last time…I will end up screwed over. You can understand why I’m not too optimistic.

If he wants to betray me, that’s one thing. My concern is if he betrays my son. I don’t want him making bad decisions to put him in danger. I don’t want him to put these other women before our son any more. He hadn’t just abandoned me as a wife, he shurked his job as a father. Our son knows he’s not reliable.

He’s worked himself into the role of a part time father while he had the opportunity to be so much more. I don’t know exactly how things will pan out from here. I’m not really holding onto hope anymore. Not for him.

I’m hopeful for my own future and my son’s.

I’m also very nervous.

Wish us luck.

I Didn’t Marry My Best Friend

/ Candid Journei / 1 Comment

I was on Facebook not too long ago and one of my “friends” shared an article called I Didn’t Marry My Best Friend.

It gave me something to think about. I didn’t marry my best friend. When I think about it. I married a man who behaved as though I was a Queen. Someone who I wanted to share my life with who I thought loved me more than anything in the whole world.

The article made me somewhat sad then at the end it was encouraging, acknowledging the fact the infidelity happens but marriage is hard work. It mentioned that in this day and age we’re so used to instant gratification that when the going gets tough, the tough get going. I don’t expect instant gratification but I don’t want to have to baby my husband and feel the need to monitor him. I just wanted faithfulness.

The part of the article that made me sad was when the writer spoke of all the laughs that her and her husband shared and how her husband brags to his friends or whoever about how wonderful she is. I have no idea what this woman has gone through in her marriage but I started to think about mine and how my husband and I deal. I tried to think of the laughs that we’ve shared recently and I feel like they’re far and few between. They happen, but it’s not necessarily any deep belly laughs.

I guess part of my problem is that I’m still in mourning. Mourning what our relationship used to be. Mourning who my husband used to be. It’s hard to deal. A significant part of marriage is learning to fall in love with your spouse everyday for who they are now and not holding on to who they used to be or who you want them to be. I’m a lot more understanding of the pitfalls that my parents experienced in their marriage now that this infidelity has occurred. It’s hard.

Everything that your spouse does directly effects you. My husband says he loves me but I just don’t feel it like I need to in order to know he cares. I feel as though he is just trying to appease me out of fear. I told him that if he is unfaithful again and I find out, I’m leaving him. When I told him this, I can’t remember exactly what he said, but I don’t think he expected me to say that. I’ve told him how much I love him and he claims that he feels the same way, but maybe I’m just too blinded by the hurt to feel his love. Maybe he just doesn’t understand how hard he really has to work to set me at ease.

He got a new job and starts next month. At that time we will be officially reunited and maybe I’ll feel like I have a husband again? He is two hours away from where I am, for work, and we only see him on weekends, unless I drive to see him. It’s not that easy to just pick up and go when you have a baby and you’re generally tired. Long distance can be a killer. I wouldn’t recommend it. The physical distance may be a large part of the issue, but I am not sure at this point. As I’ve stated before, I don’t feel I am one of my husband’s top priorities.

He does what he is supposed to do as a husband, such as moving us closer to where he is working. That’s what you’re supposed to do, we’re married. Duh. I feel like I need more, especially because of how he betrayed me. I try so hard not to think about the details of the affairs. I’m trying to live for today. It’s hard. My birthday is tomorrow and part of me is excited and part of me is sad. My husband is coming today and I always pray for his safe travel. It’s a weird, terrible place to be in. I need to talk to him about all this. He will ask me what he is supposed to do and I don’t know what else he can do.

It breaks my heart to see how much he has changed. Sometimes I think I’m holding out for him to become someone else. Not necessarily another person, but more like who he used to be. We can’t go back. I do a very good job with not actually feeling my emotions while at the same time acknowledging I have a problem (I don’t know if that makes sense). When I don’t take time to feel my feelings they tend to pile up. I guess today is sort of a rough day for me emotionally. I’m coming to some painful realizations I suppose. I’ve thought of scenarios in which I separate from my husband in an effort to wake him up. I’ve thought about whether or not I could stand to have him be with someone else and I can’t, obviously, which is why I’m so hurt because he was with someone(s).

I also become sad at the thought that I can’t provide him with the emotional support that he needs concerning his own emotional traumas. I wonder if I would do him a favor by leaving so he can find someone who suits his needs better. I think this is even more valid when I consider that he stepped out on me. Especially with the emotional affair. It’s not just the sex but the emotional betrayal. Like I’m not enough as a person. Like he can’t find solace from me. Obviously he can’t though. That’s why he had the affairs. Then this makes me think about the fact that no one can be all things to anyone. He can’t be all things to me. It’s exacerbated because of all the changes he went through. I just feel sad right now. Hopefully playing some stupid games on Facebook will help me feel better. Or maybe I’ll feel better when my son wakes up. He’s a true gem. I love him to pieces.

But back to why I mentioned the article in the first place. It makes me ever so slightly hopeful that sticking this out will make our marriage stronger and our future brighter; however, when I think of our future it seems somewhat bleak.

Poetry

/ Candid Journei / 5 Comments

Your heart deserves to beat peacefully without the fear of breaking

~Alex Elle

I saw this quote this morning and it resonated with me. Naturally my mind went straight to my husband’s infidelity. This quote also reminded me of all the displays of love that social media allows us to be privy to. I know you’re not supposed to want what other people have, but there are times when I wish my husband did a better job of expressing his love for me. I see men using these eloquent words and admonishing their women and it makes me jealous, frankly. I understand that not everyone is a poet, but there’s a need I have to know how he feels, especially after his indiscretion.

Husband got a new job and it starts next month. There is so much preparation that we need to do and it is somewhat stressful to think of. My husband has said that the fact that he’s working so hard to be the breadwinner should be enough to show his love. Love doesn’t pay the bills but money certainly doesn’t love you. Is it crazy to want more? I have told him I’m very appreciative of the fact that he is sustaining our family and working hard, but that doesn’t give him license to do what he pleases or shirk his husbandly duties. A husband does not have a sole purpose to just provide money and it’s insulting that my husband would assume that he doesn’t need to do more to show his love.

It should be clear to me by now that I’m not one of his top priorities. He has emotional pain that he’s dealing with on a daily basis and it seems as though he swims in it. He deals with negativity and emotional pain differently than I do. I definitely understand where he’s coming from but he allows himself to be dominated by his emotions. The problem with that is, emotions can change from one minute to the next. It’s part of what led him to cheat in the first place. I feel as though I make him one of my top priorities, but it seems as though he views me as another one of his responsibilities. I guess that part of the drawback of being a stay at home mom. You’re devalued for one reason or another. I was told by someone that he expressed how much he loved me and I’m wondering what he said because I don’t always feel it. I could be nitpicking but this is what infidelity does. It makes you question everything.

I guess I feel entitled to have my heart beat without the fear of it breaking. It has already been broken and now it is being held together loosely with scotch tape. I don’t want to end up being the stupid wife who stayed.

I Don’t Know What to Put Here

/ Candid Journei / 2 Comments

I haven’t told my husband about my blog. It’s something I’ve debated. Should I or should I not? I don’t generally keep things from him but I feel as though this blog is something that should be my own. It’s how I sort out my thoughts. I think it’s part of what had kept me from running as far away from him as possible.

I still plan in my mind what my escape plan would be if he were to betray me again. I’m in the unfortunate position of not having a job right now, so no income of my own. I’d be starting from scratch if I left. I don’t really want to leave him though.

After my last post he and I had a talk about those stupid shoes. He told me there were other things left in the trunk which belonged to the previous renter of the car and he said I could look if I didn’t believe him. I can’t remember everything we said because I’ve slept several times since then, but something I said pissed him off and he started yelling and I almost left the room. Thankfully our son kept sleeping through our whole discussion.

After his outburst I did my best to explain my feelings in a way he would understand. I don’t have a habit of telling like he does. I think he feels as though it makes him feel better to tell. He has had some emotional traumas himself within the last few years, which he still deals with everyday and I explained that it’s the same for me. Everyday something seems to trigger my memory. Everyday I’m still working through what he did, trying to trust him again.

I let him know that even when it comes to his emotional traumas I try to be a comfort. I try the best that I can to be understanding and I just want the same. It’s not as if he needs more or less comfort than I do but support is what we need to provide reach other as a married couple. It’s not a competition for who is sadder but on some level it feels like that sometimes.

I explained that I was not trying to compare the level of pain either of us feel, but I was trying to get him to step outside of his own pain to see mine just as I do for him with his struggles. Part of what led to my husband’s cheating was his selfishness and focusing on his pain, not taking me into account. I tried not to minimize how he feels but rather make sure he understands how I feel.

I told him he needs to makes me feel wanted. He started resting on his laurels since I made the mistake of telling him I was starting to trust him again. I don’t beat him over the head everyday with the fact that he cheated but that doesn’t mean he’s off the hook and I had to explain that as well. I’d like to think I’m a very kind and loving wife. I’m not perfect, but I am patient. Sometimes too patient and maybe too understanding.

I will have to do a better job of making my feelings clear on a more regular basis. I let him know that I’m haunted by images whenever we’ve been intimate. Even when we’re not I’m still haunted. I told him I still have questions in my mind as to what they did and why he loved her. I wonder if he’s actually over her. I’ve decided that I don’t need the answer to these questions. I’m in enough pain without knowing the answers. I can probably answer the questions myself anyway which is another reason why I don’t force the issue as far as those unanswered questions are concerned. Some things don’t need to be in my head. At this point I’m able to do a little better job with shoving the images out of my mind.

We have a beautiful, precious, patient, sweet, adorable baby. When I look at him I’m still astounded by his existence. He’s our second child. Our first passed away because he was born prematurely when I was going on six months pregnant. I’m amazed that my husband cheated on me while I was working to produce this wonderful blessing from God. It’s a huge slap in the face. I sometimes hate that when I look at our son I’m reminded of what my husband did. I just hope and pray that my husband’s infidelity doesn’t somehow ruin our son.

This particular entry may be scatter brained but that’s how I kind of feel right now. Scattered. I love my husband to pieces and it makes me sad to think he doesn’t love me as much as I thought. He tells me he loves me almost everyday since our conversation at the beginning of this week. I let him know I love him as well. I don’t know if he truly understands the significance of those words.

When we first got married my aunt and I had a conversation about marriage and she proposed the idea that the man sometimes has to love the woman more in order for the marriage to work. I told her I thought he loved me more, but oh how wrong I was to believe that. We keep moving forward though. Nowhere else for us to go. My mother sent us an anniversary card commending is for making it through this far, not knowing about the infidelity. My husband asked if she was really talking about us.

Talk About a Trigger

/ Candid Journei / 1 Comment

You try and go through your days feeling fine. Then something triggers you and you’re back to where you started.

It has been almost five months exactly from the day that I discovered my husband’s infidelity. I’m usually fine then something will set me off and I try to fight the images that try to ensnare my mind. I try not to think about him with her. I try not to think about the fact that he fell in love with another woman and had sex with her. I try not to think about the fact that he had two women whom he shared some of the most intimate parts of himself. Physically and emotionally. I’m still healing from giving birth so we have unfortunately been unable to resume normal activities.

My husband had been out of state for work and I couldn’t go with him because I was pregnant, but after six weeks I moved temporarily to a state that is closer to him. I am staying with family and we see him during the weekends now instead of once a month, like before. It’s not a perfect situation, but it’s definitely better than what it was before…so I thought.

If we don’t drive out to see him, he rents a car to see us. We went out tonight, kind of late, to go and eat and we took the rental car. I wanted to stop by the store afterward, so we did. My sister and I picked up some things while he waited in the car with our son. When we were done we loaded up the trunk with our purchases then went back to the house. My sister unloaded the stuff and found a Burlington Coat Factory plastic bag with a pair of women’s shoes in it. My sister asked me if it was mine and I said no. I asked my husband about the shoes. He said they were in the car when he got it and he said to leave them alone.

He was grumpy. He was really tired and he is also just angry in general because his family has gone through some things and life seems to hold no joy any more. When he had been cheating on me he would be short with me when I questioned him about things. You can see how this situation is a huge problem. My sister doesn’t know about his previous adultery but she still didn’t really buy his excuse because rental car companies usually clean out the car after it has been returned unless someone was really careless and didn’t do their job properly.

I am considering calling up the company he rented from to find out how it all works. I really don’t know how I am going to handle it if he is cheating on me again. I really want to give him the benefit of the doubt. He is going through what appears to be some emotional turmoil but I really don’t want to join him. I like to have a general balanced outlook on life. Take the good with the bad, but don’t unpack and live in the land of sorrow or in the land of delusion. I like to keep some optimism about me while still being realistic. I have already shed tears over this. I’m reliving a bit of the pain that I felt that night on d-day.

I’ve started concocting scenarios in my mind of what possibly led to these shoes being in the trunk of this rental car. He had been using it for work on Thursday, then drove it out here to visit us on Friday night, then drove back to return the rental today, get another one, and drive back here. He said they gave him the same car. I’m thinking he didn’t really have time to have another woman in his car because he was driving the car around for work on Thursday, then he had to get some rest, then he was driving again. I’m really trying to figure this out. He went to sleep almost immediately after it happened so I couldn’t talk to him about it.

This all happened a few hours ago so this is all fresh in my mind. My sister asked me if I talked to him about it. This is a deep sigh type of situation. I don’t want to work myself up into a frenzy and I’ve already cried about it. He has his suitcase and two bags of clothes in the trunk. I know he saw the bag even if it was left in there from the previous renter. My husband has already proven himself to be thick headed at times, but this is something else. You better believe I have questions when he wakes in the morning. Things haven’t been normal for a while now and this doesn’t help. I try to show love and be a supportive wife. I feel some times that he makes me feel as though I don’t do enough.

It’s quite possible that there’s still a break down in communication and he may still feel as though he can’t talk to me. He does things that trigger me and he doesn’t seem to get it. He has told me before that I should basically get over it. He hasn’t used those words but he wants to move forward as though he didn’t cheat on me. Is that a red flag? I have heard from other wives on here whose husbands have vowed to try and do what they need to do. I suppose he has said that I should tell him what he needs to do so I can trust him again. I made the mistake of telling him that I’m starting to trust him again. This is mind boggling and heart breaking. I don’t want to think about divorce. I don’t want to think of separation. I don’t want to think drastically in order to wake him up.

UUGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!

It’s my birthday month! This is supposed to be a glorious time!

People have made such statements as, your husband has told me how much he loves you and your marriage is doing so well and other such nonsense. It saddens me when I hear these things. It still feels odd. Like this isn’t real life. We can never go back. Are we even really moving forward?

I found myself wondering if this is the time to confide in my sister. If I left my husband I would definitely have to start over. I would need a job or I would have to go back to school. I would have to reanalyze my entire life. I would be like my mom except I would have to start from almost nothing. I HATE HAVING TO THINK OF THESE THINGS!

When I married him I pictured spending the rest of my life with him. Growing old with him. I am so SICK of finding myself being in love with who my significant other used to be or could be. I guess the struggle is loving who he is now, but it’s hard to know who he is when I can’t trust him. How can I love an adulterer. Am I just supposed to ignore how I feel? Be numb? Stop caring about life? I can’t.

Maybe now I should just focus on living for my son’s beautiful smile and calm personality. Definitely a deep sigh situation.