I’ve reached an interesting place in my journey. It’s difficult to explain, but I’m uncomfortable. They say discomfort is a good sign of change. Not sure if I fully buy into that, but let’s hope so.

I’m in between jobs. Fun-employed, if you will. I had to leave my previous job because I reached a level of anxiety that ushered in suicidal ideation. I hadn’t felt that in months, so I figured it was time to move on. I found a contract job, but it was only for about a month. Now I’m attempting to find a job that will allow me to officially be independent. I still have to rely on my…ex? Estranged husband? I don’t know the title, but we are still legally wed and sharing custody of our Gremlin. We don’t hate each other. Never have, but the way he has treated our marriage, one would assume otherwise.

I’ve been out for over a year now. It has been difficult to nail down a job that offers a livable wage with benefits. This country is deep in the pits of hell, but we move, until we can’t. I’m trying to be grateful for my circumstances until I get to the next place I need to be, wherever that is.

My therapist, we’ll call him Bob, and I have discussed next steps a few times. Employment continues to pop up because I have transferable skills, but no one is letting me transfer them. It’s infuriating. He has provided different ideas/avenues for me to explore. Thinking outside the box. I consider applying for lower wage jobs, but I NEED something more than that. I have a child. If it were just me I wouldn’t care. Outside of employment, I’ve been contemplating relationships.

When speaking with Bob we stumbled upon the subject of PDH (previous dear husband) and him dating. He has a high sex drive and hates being alone, so it’s something I’ve had to think about. It’s nauseating. He suggested that I open up the line of communication regarding these types of activities. I inquired if PDH was interested in dating. He was trying to get me to go on dates, but that wasn’t going to happen. Recently I incidentally discovered he is dating someone. We were out at an event for autism with our Gremlin and she called him. I didn’t recognize the name and he nearly fell into the grass trying to answer his phone. I could tell by the tone of his voice that it was someone he liked. I was peeved. Caught of guard.

He never confirmed his desire to begin dating. I asked who he was talking to and he told me that it was indeed a woman he met. This man downloaded a dating app and met a woman. The dreaded day arrived. I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel. It’s that double edged sword of knowing you can’t stay with the person you’ve loved for over a decade because they continue to disrespect you, while simultaneously not wanting them to date because of feelings. Bad feelings. I suppose jealousy is what I’m feeling? Defensiveness because of trust issues?

One out of two of the last affair partners trashed the place he was renting after I moved out. He gave her the key to the place so she could clean, which made absolutely no sense. She’s not a maid. Just a trashy woman. I had to clean up that mess. She also kept a car he lent her. It was still in his name and not paid off. Getting it back was a pain in the ass. The second out of the two mistresses was driving while he was in the car and he got a ticket because of her ganja. He fell on the sword to protect her, apparently. He went to court to deal with that and they let it go. I’m the best decision he’s ever made. I’m wary of anyone new.

I found myself triggered upon seeing this new name. I was flashing back to the times I caught him cheating on me. He still has the phone number of one of his original affair partners. We’ll call her Danielle. Mind you, he first started messing with her in 2014. Eleven years ago. He still has her number. Do y’all understand how shitty that is? I just left him last year. I’m now remembering that I saw him texting Danielle after I texted him before that day, that he could date other people. This current lady didn’t show up until recently.

We were at our son’s swim practice a couple of weeks ago and I brought up dating, again. At the time, he changed the subject. Looking back…I wonder if he had already downloaded the dating app and just decided not to tell me? He has a history of lying, obviously. I still can’t fully trust him. He lies by omission as well. I was irritated after seeing Danielle’s name on his phone. He was texting her while picking up Gremlin. I wasn’t really surprised, but I was insulted. It further solidified the fact that he wasn’t to be fully trusted. It further validated why I needed to leave. An indication that he still wasn’t committed to me. Because why the fuck does he still have her number over a decade later? He was never fully in. Especially not after 2014. Some time before I decided we needed to separate, he reached out to the weed head to see how she was doing. I felt it was a big red flag. For some odd reason our couple’s therapist didn’t think it was a big issue? He must’ve been having an off day.

I don’t believe I’m fully healed. Especially with the discovery of the relatively recent events, mentioned above, prior to leaving him. I think I have to type out my feelings to assess them. Bob is on vacation for another week, so this is all I’ve got. I could pull out a diary, but why do that? LOL. That would be too private and would make too much sense. Then y’all wouldn’t have the privilege of reading my thoughts.

I’ve known that, if nothing else, the next woman needs to be great. She needs to not be a red flag. Not be a troublemaker. I told PDH that anyone he dates cannot know where either of us lives and they need to be well vetted before going anywhere near our son. I told PDH that if Gremlin is put in jeopardy because of his choices, then he’s in jeopardy. I hope he understands the significance of what I said. He nodded in agreement at the time.

I have considered dating as well. I’m not sure if I’m ready for that. There is emotional vulnerability to a certain extent when dating. The dating scene also seems ghetto as hell from what I’ve observed. PDH knew I was agitated after I asked who he was talking to. I scoffed and walked off. He asked if we needed to talk about it. I just reminded him to keep things kosher. There was more I could have said, but what’s the point? Would it be fair and reasonable for me to tell him to wait? I don’t know. Is it hurtful for some strange reason that he’s dating? Yes. Why? I’m not absolutely sure. I could date just because he is dating. Maybe it would be therapeutic? It could also make me feel worse.

After we left the event, I took our Gremlin with me. Ideally I would like for our child to stay with his dad for a few days. He prefers being with me, mostly. Gremlin didn’t want to go with dad upon leaving, so he was picked up later. I wasn’t sure how it would go during pick up time, but there were no issues. Gremlin is known to throw a tantrum that can lead into a meltdown, if he’s not mentally prepared to spend time with his dad. We have a more predictable schedule for now, so that might be what’s helpful. We are just winging it for the most part. We’ve played around with different types for schedules. Gremlin has a hard time adjusting to change as most autistics do. PDH picked our son up pretty late. It was after 9 and I was surprised he was still planning to come. It was the same day as the event.

I made sure Gremlin was ready to go with dad and he confirmed he was. I figured that PDH went to see the woman after the event, since our son didn’t go home with him, and he had talked on the phone with her earlier. Before picking up Gremlin he had to put air in his tires. I got a text message from the place he went to, thanking me for choosing their service. We literally live around the corner from each other and the place he went to was further away, so I was confused. There is a place to air up tires the next driveway over after leaving his apartment complex. I unintentionally have become a detective when it comes to him. It’s triggering.

I asked if the scenario I came up with in my head was correct and he confirmed. I’m usually right. Sometimes it’s a curse. I know him much better than he knows me. I’ve pretty much studied him. He has been my special interest from the day we started dating. I was all in. Not ride or die because I have questions. I want to know where we’re riding to and why death might be involved, but I was very committed. More than him. I think that’s one of the things that gets me to this day. He wasn’t as committed. It surprised me because I thought he was. I guess I’m still grieving the failure of our marriage and the absolute disrespect thrown my way. The complete and utter betrayal. The other women he claimed to love.

I’ve looked back at the timeline. We were married for only three years when he decided to cheat. He has cheated on me for at least half our marriage? I might still feel like he’s cheating on me. It’s possible my body doesn’t know the difference. There’s a chance I have some form of PTSD from what happened, if that’s possible, given the circumstances. It could just be garden variety trauma. Something I need to ask Bob about. It’s said that the body keeps the score. There’s a book about it. I bought it. I haven’t read it yet. The book addresses how our bodies hold onto our traumatic experiences, even if we have consciously moved on from an event. Our bodies have kept record. Like anxiety, for example.

I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I started taking meds before my official diagnosis because I had a(n) anxiety/panic attack in my sleep. It happened after the first time I left him. In 2018. My anxiety was so high. He was still fraternizing with those women. He claimed to feel hurt that I was leaving him, but continued doing what he was doing. Now here we are, separated again.

The Body Keeps the Score.