It’s been a while and this morning I find myself adrift in a sea of emotions since last night. I was triggered. My husband came home from the gym (allegedly) in his clothes he wore to work. You might be thinking, “that’s not odd, he could have showered at the gym.” To you I would say, you don’t know my friend, you don’t know. He doesn’t like showering at the gym. He prefers to shower at home. We will go together sometimes when the stars align and the moon is high in the sky. He will typically want to go straight home when he is DRIPPING with sweat. He sweats a lot when he runs. It drips onto the treadmill. The only time I remember him showering was when I asked him to because we had to go somewhere afterward and it would save time. He feels awkward showering at the gym, which is fair. Naked strangers walking around, you amongst them, I get it.So, when he showed up dressed in street clothes it set off alarms. I guess he did smell like the cheap soap that’s available for use at them gym. It’s like showering with hand soap. It’s dispensed like hand soap. He could have been telling the truth

BUT…

It made me suspicious…..

I distinctly remember how my husband made me feel the first time he blatantly ignored me to spend time with another woman. I’ve talked about it in another one of my blogs. I was pregnant. He was working out of town mostly and stopped in here and there. When he was here I would ask him to run errands and didn’t think much of it. My only worry was that he might get into an accident or something else terrible. Who knows. I’m slightly paranoid about freak accidents. This one time, though…he was taking a while. Him taking a while isn’t out of the ordinary, he moves slowly, generally. Kind of saunters through most things in life. I usually call him when my internal clock goes off. YES I have an internal clock for when my husband should have completed a task. I don’t know if this is specific to me and my husband, but that’s how it is. I called him, as usual, because he was taking a while. Wanted to make sure he was ok. When I called him I was hit with the “I’ll call you back.” At the time I thought it was just my pregnancy hormones, but I was pissed. Turned out I had a reason to be pissed. It wasn’t until much later I found out that she was one of his bixches.

He wasn’t completely honest with who she was, of course. Once he got home I confronted him about being blown off when I called him, melted/soggy/warm food in tow. I had bullet points for how and why he messed up. I of course told him that he needed to NOT blow off his wife for other women. Especially not his PREGNANT wife. It was suspicious. I remember he made me feel like I was crazy. Getting upset with me.

When I was trying to make sense of the infidelity I Googled. One of the things I discovered was a video on how to know when your spouse is cheating. One of the signs is that they will be unnecessarily irritated/upset/angry/agitated. That’s how he behaved towards me. Granted, the timing was really bad. His mother had passed the same year I got pregnant. He very well could have been agitated about that, but he was really upset that I was circling the truth. I just didn’t know how close I was. I won’t forget that feeling though.  Like the Sam Smith song says “YOU SAAAYYY I’M CRAZY, CUZ YOU DON’T THINK I KNOW WHAT YOU’VE DONE. BUT WHEEEEEN YOU CALL ME BABY, I KNOW I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE.”

To be clear, I didn’t know he was cheating on me. I hear people say that a woman knows. Really? Does she really know? A man can be acting sketchy for any number of reasons. It doesn’t mean he’s cheating, which is the frustrating part. I now think that since I found all the info on his phone last time, if he wants to cheat he will know to be more covert this time, not leave evidence behind. I feel like woman’s intuition is overrated. Like it’s something someone made up so when something goes wrong and woman doesn’t act upon some small suspicion she had, she feels this sense of guilt. Like, “Oh, I should have known that my otherwise fairly trustworthy, helpful, sweet husband was cheating.” Really? I call bullshit. I’m not going to blame myself for not knowing. Even in a court of law there needs to be evidence or at the very least a witness. You can’t prosecute someone without those things. Feelings are fickle. Not very reliable all the time. Valuable, valid, yes, but reliable…? Feelings of suspicion need to be verified.

Beyonce had said in one of her songs that she wanted the Lord to reveal what her husband’s truth is. I’ve pondered this statement. I’ve been struggling with completely trusting my husband. I tell myself that unless there’s proof I needn’t jump to conclusions. It’s hard not to. Once you’ve fallen for something the first time it’s hard not to be paranoid it will happen again. A family member of ours recently separated from her husband because he left her for another woman, but he had also cheated on her years prior. It’s hard to know that it won’t happen again.

Do I really want to know what his truth is? That’s what I ask myself. Of course, just because I ask doesn’t necessarily mean the truth will be revealed. God knows all. It might be something I don’t want to know! I’ve pondered what I would do if he cheated again. I don’t have finances. I don’t have a job. I don’t really have anywhere to go, permanently. Part of the reason I’m a stay-at-home-mom is because I am very picky about the level of care my son receives and we don’t have the means to provide him that outside of ME. I need to make some money. I want to work from home but I think I’ve been battling some anxiety and depression. I haven’t really paid attention to my behavior. I’ve fallen into this trap of just trying to get through the day alive. Making sure my son gets what he needs. Doing mostly the bare minimum. My husband is the breadwinner.

My mom has taught me to always prepare financially. She and her mom have been through some stuff with their husbands and she wants me to be prepared. She doesn’t believe that Brian is a bad guy but disaster can strike when you least expect it.