Month: April 2015

I Didn’t Marry My Best Friend

/ Candid Journei / 1 Comment

I was on Facebook not too long ago and one of my “friends” shared an article called I Didn’t Marry My Best Friend.

It gave me something to think about. I didn’t marry my best friend. When I think about it. I married a man who behaved as though I was a Queen. Someone who I wanted to share my life with who I thought loved me more than anything in the whole world.

The article made me somewhat sad then at the end it was encouraging, acknowledging the fact the infidelity happens but marriage is hard work. It mentioned that in this day and age we’re so used to instant gratification that when the going gets tough, the tough get going. I don’t expect instant gratification but I don’t want to have to baby my husband and feel the need to monitor him. I just wanted faithfulness.

The part of the article that made me sad was when the writer spoke of all the laughs that her and her husband shared and how her husband brags to his friends or whoever about how wonderful she is. I have no idea what this woman has gone through in her marriage but I started to think about mine and how my husband and I deal. I tried to think of the laughs that we’ve shared recently and I feel like they’re far and few between. They happen, but it’s not necessarily any deep belly laughs.

I guess part of my problem is that I’m still in mourning. Mourning what our relationship used to be. Mourning who my husband used to be. It’s hard to deal. A significant part of marriage is learning to fall in love with your spouse everyday for who they are now and not holding on to who they used to be or who you want them to be. I’m a lot more understanding of the pitfalls that my parents experienced in their marriage now that this infidelity has occurred. It’s hard.

Everything that your spouse does directly effects you. My husband says he loves me but I just don’t feel it like I need to in order to know he cares. I feel as though he is just trying to appease me out of fear. I told him that if he is unfaithful again and I find out, I’m leaving him. When I told him this, I can’t remember exactly what he said, but I don’t think he expected me to say that. I’ve told him how much I love him and he claims that he feels the same way, but maybe I’m just too blinded by the hurt to feel his love. Maybe he just doesn’t understand how hard he really has to work to set me at ease.

He got a new job and starts next month. At that time we will be officially reunited and maybe I’ll feel like I have a husband again? He is two hours away from where I am, for work, and we only see him on weekends, unless I drive to see him. It’s not that easy to just pick up and go when you have a baby and you’re generally tired. Long distance can be a killer. I wouldn’t recommend it. The physical distance may be a large part of the issue, but I am not sure at this point. As I’ve stated before, I don’t feel I am one of my husband’s top priorities.

He does what he is supposed to do as a husband, such as moving us closer to where he is working. That’s what you’re supposed to do, we’re married. Duh. I feel like I need more, especially because of how he betrayed me. I try so hard not to think about the details of the affairs. I’m trying to live for today. It’s hard. My birthday is tomorrow and part of me is excited and part of me is sad. My husband is coming today and I always pray for his safe travel. It’s a weird, terrible place to be in. I need to talk to him about all this. He will ask me what he is supposed to do and I don’t know what else he can do.

It breaks my heart to see how much he has changed. Sometimes I think I’m holding out for him to become someone else. Not necessarily another person, but more like who he used to be. We can’t go back. I do a very good job with not actually feeling my emotions while at the same time acknowledging I have a problem (I don’t know if that makes sense). When I don’t take time to feel my feelings they tend to pile up. I guess today is sort of a rough day for me emotionally. I’m coming to some painful realizations I suppose. I’ve thought of scenarios in which I separate from my husband in an effort to wake him up. I’ve thought about whether or not I could stand to have him be with someone else and I can’t, obviously, which is why I’m so hurt because he was with someone(s).

I also become sad at the thought that I can’t provide him with the emotional support that he needs concerning his own emotional traumas. I wonder if I would do him a favor by leaving so he can find someone who suits his needs better. I think this is even more valid when I consider that he stepped out on me. Especially with the emotional affair. It’s not just the sex but the emotional betrayal. Like I’m not enough as a person. Like he can’t find solace from me. Obviously he can’t though. That’s why he had the affairs. Then this makes me think about the fact that no one can be all things to anyone. He can’t be all things to me. It’s exacerbated because of all the changes he went through. I just feel sad right now. Hopefully playing some stupid games on Facebook will help me feel better. Or maybe I’ll feel better when my son wakes up. He’s a true gem. I love him to pieces.

But back to why I mentioned the article in the first place. It makes me ever so slightly hopeful that sticking this out will make our marriage stronger and our future brighter; however, when I think of our future it seems somewhat bleak.

Poetry

/ Candid Journei / 5 Comments

Your heart deserves to beat peacefully without the fear of breaking

~Alex Elle

I saw this quote this morning and it resonated with me. Naturally my mind went straight to my husband’s infidelity. This quote also reminded me of all the displays of love that social media allows us to be privy to. I know you’re not supposed to want what other people have, but there are times when I wish my husband did a better job of expressing his love for me. I see men using these eloquent words and admonishing their women and it makes me jealous, frankly. I understand that not everyone is a poet, but there’s a need I have to know how he feels, especially after his indiscretion.

Husband got a new job and it starts next month. There is so much preparation that we need to do and it is somewhat stressful to think of. My husband has said that the fact that he’s working so hard to be the breadwinner should be enough to show his love. Love doesn’t pay the bills but money certainly doesn’t love you. Is it crazy to want more? I have told him I’m very appreciative of the fact that he is sustaining our family and working hard, but that doesn’t give him license to do what he pleases or shirk his husbandly duties. A husband does not have a sole purpose to just provide money and it’s insulting that my husband would assume that he doesn’t need to do more to show his love.

It should be clear to me by now that I’m not one of his top priorities. He has emotional pain that he’s dealing with on a daily basis and it seems as though he swims in it. He deals with negativity and emotional pain differently than I do. I definitely understand where he’s coming from but he allows himself to be dominated by his emotions. The problem with that is, emotions can change from one minute to the next. It’s part of what led him to cheat in the first place. I feel as though I make him one of my top priorities, but it seems as though he views me as another one of his responsibilities. I guess that part of the drawback of being a stay at home mom. You’re devalued for one reason or another. I was told by someone that he expressed how much he loved me and I’m wondering what he said because I don’t always feel it. I could be nitpicking but this is what infidelity does. It makes you question everything.

I guess I feel entitled to have my heart beat without the fear of it breaking. It has already been broken and now it is being held together loosely with scotch tape. I don’t want to end up being the stupid wife who stayed.

I Don’t Know What to Put Here

/ Candid Journei / 2 Comments

I haven’t told my husband about my blog. It’s something I’ve debated. Should I or should I not? I don’t generally keep things from him but I feel as though this blog is something that should be my own. It’s how I sort out my thoughts. I think it’s part of what had kept me from running as far away from him as possible.

I still plan in my mind what my escape plan would be if he were to betray me again. I’m in the unfortunate position of not having a job right now, so no income of my own. I’d be starting from scratch if I left. I don’t really want to leave him though.

After my last post he and I had a talk about those stupid shoes. He told me there were other things left in the trunk which belonged to the previous renter of the car and he said I could look if I didn’t believe him. I can’t remember everything we said because I’ve slept several times since then, but something I said pissed him off and he started yelling and I almost left the room. Thankfully our son kept sleeping through our whole discussion.

After his outburst I did my best to explain my feelings in a way he would understand. I don’t have a habit of telling like he does. I think he feels as though it makes him feel better to tell. He has had some emotional traumas himself within the last few years, which he still deals with everyday and I explained that it’s the same for me. Everyday something seems to trigger my memory. Everyday I’m still working through what he did, trying to trust him again.

I let him know that even when it comes to his emotional traumas I try to be a comfort. I try the best that I can to be understanding and I just want the same. It’s not as if he needs more or less comfort than I do but support is what we need to provide reach other as a married couple. It’s not a competition for who is sadder but on some level it feels like that sometimes.

I explained that I was not trying to compare the level of pain either of us feel, but I was trying to get him to step outside of his own pain to see mine just as I do for him with his struggles. Part of what led to my husband’s cheating was his selfishness and focusing on his pain, not taking me into account. I tried not to minimize how he feels but rather make sure he understands how I feel.

I told him he needs to makes me feel wanted. He started resting on his laurels since I made the mistake of telling him I was starting to trust him again. I don’t beat him over the head everyday with the fact that he cheated but that doesn’t mean he’s off the hook and I had to explain that as well. I’d like to think I’m a very kind and loving wife. I’m not perfect, but I am patient. Sometimes too patient and maybe too understanding.

I will have to do a better job of making my feelings clear on a more regular basis. I let him know that I’m haunted by images whenever we’ve been intimate. Even when we’re not I’m still haunted. I told him I still have questions in my mind as to what they did and why he loved her. I wonder if he’s actually over her. I’ve decided that I don’t need the answer to these questions. I’m in enough pain without knowing the answers. I can probably answer the questions myself anyway which is another reason why I don’t force the issue as far as those unanswered questions are concerned. Some things don’t need to be in my head. At this point I’m able to do a little better job with shoving the images out of my mind.

We have a beautiful, precious, patient, sweet, adorable baby. When I look at him I’m still astounded by his existence. He’s our second child. Our first passed away because he was born prematurely when I was going on six months pregnant. I’m amazed that my husband cheated on me while I was working to produce this wonderful blessing from God. It’s a huge slap in the face. I sometimes hate that when I look at our son I’m reminded of what my husband did. I just hope and pray that my husband’s infidelity doesn’t somehow ruin our son.

This particular entry may be scatter brained but that’s how I kind of feel right now. Scattered. I love my husband to pieces and it makes me sad to think he doesn’t love me as much as I thought. He tells me he loves me almost everyday since our conversation at the beginning of this week. I let him know I love him as well. I don’t know if he truly understands the significance of those words.

When we first got married my aunt and I had a conversation about marriage and she proposed the idea that the man sometimes has to love the woman more in order for the marriage to work. I told her I thought he loved me more, but oh how wrong I was to believe that. We keep moving forward though. Nowhere else for us to go. My mother sent us an anniversary card commending is for making it through this far, not knowing about the infidelity. My husband asked if she was really talking about us.

Talk About a Trigger

/ Candid Journei / 1 Comment

You try and go through your days feeling fine. Then something triggers you and you’re back to where you started.

It has been almost five months exactly from the day that I discovered my husband’s infidelity. I’m usually fine then something will set me off and I try to fight the images that try to ensnare my mind. I try not to think about him with her. I try not to think about the fact that he fell in love with another woman and had sex with her. I try not to think about the fact that he had two women whom he shared some of the most intimate parts of himself. Physically and emotionally. I’m still healing from giving birth so we have unfortunately been unable to resume normal activities.

My husband had been out of state for work and I couldn’t go with him because I was pregnant, but after six weeks I moved temporarily to a state that is closer to him. I am staying with family and we see him during the weekends now instead of once a month, like before. It’s not a perfect situation, but it’s definitely better than what it was before…so I thought.

If we don’t drive out to see him, he rents a car to see us. We went out tonight, kind of late, to go and eat and we took the rental car. I wanted to stop by the store afterward, so we did. My sister and I picked up some things while he waited in the car with our son. When we were done we loaded up the trunk with our purchases then went back to the house. My sister unloaded the stuff and found a Burlington Coat Factory plastic bag with a pair of women’s shoes in it. My sister asked me if it was mine and I said no. I asked my husband about the shoes. He said they were in the car when he got it and he said to leave them alone.

He was grumpy. He was really tired and he is also just angry in general because his family has gone through some things and life seems to hold no joy any more. When he had been cheating on me he would be short with me when I questioned him about things. You can see how this situation is a huge problem. My sister doesn’t know about his previous adultery but she still didn’t really buy his excuse because rental car companies usually clean out the car after it has been returned unless someone was really careless and didn’t do their job properly.

I am considering calling up the company he rented from to find out how it all works. I really don’t know how I am going to handle it if he is cheating on me again. I really want to give him the benefit of the doubt. He is going through what appears to be some emotional turmoil but I really don’t want to join him. I like to have a general balanced outlook on life. Take the good with the bad, but don’t unpack and live in the land of sorrow or in the land of delusion. I like to keep some optimism about me while still being realistic. I have already shed tears over this. I’m reliving a bit of the pain that I felt that night on d-day.

I’ve started concocting scenarios in my mind of what possibly led to these shoes being in the trunk of this rental car. He had been using it for work on Thursday, then drove it out here to visit us on Friday night, then drove back to return the rental today, get another one, and drive back here. He said they gave him the same car. I’m thinking he didn’t really have time to have another woman in his car because he was driving the car around for work on Thursday, then he had to get some rest, then he was driving again. I’m really trying to figure this out. He went to sleep almost immediately after it happened so I couldn’t talk to him about it.

This all happened a few hours ago so this is all fresh in my mind. My sister asked me if I talked to him about it. This is a deep sigh type of situation. I don’t want to work myself up into a frenzy and I’ve already cried about it. He has his suitcase and two bags of clothes in the trunk. I know he saw the bag even if it was left in there from the previous renter. My husband has already proven himself to be thick headed at times, but this is something else. You better believe I have questions when he wakes in the morning. Things haven’t been normal for a while now and this doesn’t help. I try to show love and be a supportive wife. I feel some times that he makes me feel as though I don’t do enough.

It’s quite possible that there’s still a break down in communication and he may still feel as though he can’t talk to me. He does things that trigger me and he doesn’t seem to get it. He has told me before that I should basically get over it. He hasn’t used those words but he wants to move forward as though he didn’t cheat on me. Is that a red flag? I have heard from other wives on here whose husbands have vowed to try and do what they need to do. I suppose he has said that I should tell him what he needs to do so I can trust him again. I made the mistake of telling him that I’m starting to trust him again. This is mind boggling and heart breaking. I don’t want to think about divorce. I don’t want to think of separation. I don’t want to think drastically in order to wake him up.

UUGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!

It’s my birthday month! This is supposed to be a glorious time!

People have made such statements as, your husband has told me how much he loves you and your marriage is doing so well and other such nonsense. It saddens me when I hear these things. It still feels odd. Like this isn’t real life. We can never go back. Are we even really moving forward?

I found myself wondering if this is the time to confide in my sister. If I left my husband I would definitely have to start over. I would need a job or I would have to go back to school. I would have to reanalyze my entire life. I would be like my mom except I would have to start from almost nothing. I HATE HAVING TO THINK OF THESE THINGS!

When I married him I pictured spending the rest of my life with him. Growing old with him. I am so SICK of finding myself being in love with who my significant other used to be or could be. I guess the struggle is loving who he is now, but it’s hard to know who he is when I can’t trust him. How can I love an adulterer. Am I just supposed to ignore how I feel? Be numb? Stop caring about life? I can’t.

Maybe now I should just focus on living for my son’s beautiful smile and calm personality. Definitely a deep sigh situation.