It’s been a few days since I’ve posted anything. Husband arrived on Friday and we’ve been waiting for the baby to be born. I’ve been nervous yet glad at the same time. I really enjoy his presence but it’s now tainted knowing he’s an adulterer. I can’t trust him to go out alone because one of the women lives here. I think he understands on some level what he has done but I’m not sure.

I told him to visualize how he would feel if I were to do what he had done. He told me that because of the losses that he has experienced, he figures that he would be numb to it and just accept what happened. I’m not entirely sure what the f*** that means other than “I can’t empathize or sympathise with you because I’m damaged goods.” He actually did tell me he feels like damaged goods.

I can understand to the best of my ability how he feels, but it doesn’t truly make sense why he did what he did if he had any respect for me. I can’t really be intimate with him without thinking that he could be thinking about them. It’s hard for me to do anything without thinking about the fact that he could be and is most likely, at some point, thinking about them. I feel inadequate.

He still tells me I’m sexy, beautiful, blah, blah, but I can’t help but wonder if the sex he had with her was better. Was the connection he had with them better than what we have? Is he going through the motions with me? Things seem to be going well and he seems to be handling the “honey-do’s” well, but is it temporary? How long will this last? I have so many questions in my mind.

I don’t ask these questions for fear of ruining good moments. Occasionally we will be able to make jokes about what had happened but we both do that to mask pain and cope. He respects and understand that I don’t feel comfortable with him being out of my sight for too long. He lets me look at his phone and check through things. I’ve found stuff that he had even forgotten was there. He said he doesn’t like for me to bring things up and feels it’s “in the past” but I explained it’s not. It’s our reality and I struggle everyday. He’s trying to respect that.

Time will tell if he’s truly all in it now. We are waiting on the baby and he had been so helpful it makes me optimistic. He will be my birth partner and that involves a certain level of intimacy and trust. I hope all goes well.