It’s been about a month since my D-Day. I struggle somewhat with the use of tense. The infidelity is my present and my past. Dealing with the aftermath is not over and I don’t know that it ever will be.

It’s hard to find the words to accurately express myself. I know words mean things, but sometimes it’s difficult to find them. When I was faced with the reality of my husband’s infidelity I was crushed. Among my thoughts was the fact that I loved him and wondered how he could betray me. After I probed him for information to a somewhat satisfactory point, I was faced with a decision. Do I stay or do I go?

I am pregnant and had been for the entirety of the time that my husband was being deceitful. I felt foolish to be carrying our child thinking that our marriage was something others could strive for then my world came crashing down when I was told the truth. I had suspected on some level that something was amiss, but I figured it was other outside forces going on in our lives. His family has a hectic life. Looking back, I realized that he hadn’t looked me in the eye for months when he spoke to me. He seemed to be grumpier than usual, overall. It may have been the guilt. I also just had this weird feeling that our chemistry was off. He has been away for work for the majority of my pregnancy and comes back once in a while. I figured the disconnect was due to the distance and I’m pregnant so I can get moody at times. Sex wasn’t an issue though because I was ready for it whenever he came back, generally.

Our baby hasn’t even been born and already I was faced with the decision of staying or leaving. My husband’s reaction to my tears and sadness was not really that surprising. He was very quiet and knew he didn’t have much defense and listened to what I had to say. I let him know how hurt I was but at the same time I informed him of how much love I have for him. At some point in time he apologized, somewhat teary eyed, and has endeavored to do his best to win back my trust. My husband and I are usually very open with one another which is one thing that made our relationship unique to all the other ones that I’ve had. I felt as though there was on open line of communication so his infidelity is quite ironic.

He didn’t promise that he wouldn’t cheat again. This made me mad of course, but at the same time I understood that he knows he’s not perfect and doesn’t want to give me false hope. He said he will do what he needs to do in order to restore the trust that has been broken. My husband has knuckle head tendencies and he knows this, which also explains his response. I decided to forgive him and I do believe that he is remorseful for what he has done. He has a tendency to react to situations from an emotional place with very little thought to the rational and he is aware of this, but still has work to do, obviously, when it comes to using logic over emotion.

He thanked me for my compassion towards him. I informed him that I questioned his love for me and he tried to reassure me that he does love me; however, he also told me he had fallen in love with one of the elephants (this is how I refer to the two other women). I told him it is not possible to love two people at the same time. There are those who believe it is possible, but I don’t know if that kind of love is what love can truly be at its fullest.  I informed him that “loving” two people a the same time waters it down. It takes away certain levels of intimacy. It divides his attention to the details of ME, his WIFE. It had already occurred. Confiding emotionally in the elephants distracted him from US and I tried to explain this to him. I let him know that I cannot stand for infidelity and I will leave if I have to. Some guy on YouTube said to avoid saying such things when your spouse cheats emotionally, but my husband cheated in both ways, with two women so, I figured I had to make my position clear. I love him but I cannot be one of many. It hurts too much.

I wanted to die upon discovering the infidelity. Today I feel less fatalistic, but I am still hurt. Making the decision to stay wasn’t as difficult as I imagined it would be, but it was still difficult none the less. Before I married I had determined in my mind that I would pack my stuff and turn tail at the first sight of infidelity, but reality is much different from imagined scenarios. I had to rely on the voice within me. I’m not really sure what the voice is. I don’t know if it’s me or if it’s God or if it’s both, but I’m here. Everyday I’m here. He is away from me right now but is flying back for his paternity leave and the birth of the baby. The voice inside had told me to stay, but has also informed me that it is entirely possible for a relapse to occur. I can’t control my husband, obviously. If I could he wouldn’t have stepped out in the first place, but I’m endeavoring to trust him again.

I always aim for balance in my life. I let him know I love him and I try to remember to give him positive feedback when he does the right thing. I don’t want him to feel discouraged, but I also don’t want him to become complacent. I remind him from time to time that we aren’t that far from what brought us here in the first place and I still hurt. I don’t even tell him the half of what I go through emotionally each day with triggers.  Some days are better than others. Unfortunately, at this point I’m not getting much sleep and I feel pretty unmotivated and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m pregnant or if it’s depression caused by the infidelity or both. Part of my problem is that my husband is generally, a genuinely sweet man. His sweet nature can lure me in. It’s what got me in the first place. Even in his infidelity he felt like, in his own INCREDIBLY WARPED way he was helping these women to love themselves more. He has a hero complex.

The voice. It tells me to stay and it tells me to hope for better. It tells me I will survive if it all falls apart.