After the second D-day I started gathering as much “intel” as I could. I found so much. He was going behind my back financially on top of cheating on me with other women. Oh, the joy (heavy sarcasm).
I was trying to decide my strategy for leaving him because it was definitely going to happen. I thought I would go through legal aid because I’m a SAHM. I’ve heard they get screwed over in these situations. The man I used to know wouldn’t do something like that, but finding all the documents I found freaked me out.
So much betrayal has happened. I felt like I wasn’t safe. Some people had asked me if I felt safe and I couldn’t say, unequivocally, that I did. He had not abused me before, but I didn’t want to take any chances. I waited quite a few weeks before I decided to contact a lawyer. I saw we had some money in one of our joint accounts that would cover the cost of representation.
I had a quick consultation over the phone, met with the lawyer in person, got the papers, and made an appointment to meet up with him again the following week. From that moment I was pretty anxious. I had to make copies of everything, fill out the affidavids, while looking after our son, and trying to transition him to a better daycare. What our son has been facing is a long story in and of itself. He needs speech therapy and some other intervention.
To jump to the point, I ended up telling him I discovered he’s cheating, again. “Again” meaning I found out again. He never stopped cheating though. The same mistress he had last time, the so called emotional affair partner, is still around. He also has others. I told him I wanted a divorce or a dissolution. We had the conversation over the phone.
He was trying to process what I was saying while trying to convince me not to leave him. We had a long talk. My sister and my son were in the car. It was kind of late for my son to be out. He was trying to be patient. He’s so sweet. I told my husband to stay elsewhere. He stayed at a hotel for the weekend.
I allowed him to come back Monday night. Hotels are expensive. He has extended family out here. I thought he might even try to stay with the hoes. He claims he is trying to focus on “our family” right now. It’s funny because he wasn’t concerned about us before.
All the distance I felt between us. The bad felling in the pit of my stomach. I asked him directly if he was cheating, he said no. All the blatant lies. It’s literally like the Sam Smith song.
“You say I’m crazy, cuz you don’t think I know what you’ve done. But when you call me baby, I know I’m not the only one. I have loved you for many years. Maybe I am just not enough. You made me realize my deepest fears, by lying and tearing us up.”
He has said that he wants us to be friends. The wild thing is that I can see it happening. Mainly because I want my son to be at peace. We also used to be friends. I know the truth now. I can’t say my feelings aren’t hurt, but I am able to maintain the point of view that he has deep issues. None of those issues have anything to do with me. I’m not internalizing any of it.
The more we talk, the more he confirms things that I knew were true. The more he comes clean about the times he lied, the more my resolve is strengthened.
His nephew had stayed with us for about four months. He took him back. The consistent affair partner of his lives in the same area as his nephew. I didn’t go because I didn’t want to deal with paying for all four plane tickets and going through the airport and all that. I would call to check on him and chat. He would be out really late. Said he was hanging out with a friend. I had a feeling he saw her, but of course he lied. He told me the truth recently. My instincts were correct.
I’m not crazy. It gives me joy to be able to say that.
What gives me anxiety is coparenting with a man I don’t trust.
He has said he doesn’t want to cause me any more grief, which is why we are having a dissolution, but he still wants to spend time with his son.
He hasn’t been making great decisions and I don’t want our son encountering any of the other women. I also don’t want any of the hoes knowing where his new place is, in case he pisses someone off. It’s likely to happen. Not outside the realm of possibility.
Parents separating is also hard on the kids. I can’t see myself having anyone else in my life anytime soon. I don’t want either of us bringing any one around unless it’s serious. Like, “we’re going to get married” type of serious.
This is all very surreal though. Having to think about these things. Part of me still loves him. Not the cheating part of him, obviously, but the other part. The part of him who I met years ago. He’s in there somewhere.
He has admitted to narcissistic traits. He also says he wants to try to make things easier for me. Make things as amicable as possible, which I appreciate. He has made it clear though that he would love to stay married to me and keep having sex with other women.
It’s pretty wild.
He likes the variety other women bring. I can’t be other women. I can’t have sex like other women. He asked if we could have an open marriage, but I’m simply not interested. I don’t want to be one of many or a few. I want to be THE one.
There are married couple’s who have open marriages or engage in other non-monogamous activities. Good for them. That isn’t my ministry. That’s not the life I want. I’m too boring, apparently. He didn’t correct me when I said this. He usually defends himself if I’m wrong. I wasn’t wrong about that.
As I said, I can’t pretend my feelings aren’t hurt. I can’t wallow in my emotions and I’m not taking responsibility for his lack of interest in me. People change. Especially when a parent dies. That was his catalyst.
At this point he uses his mother’s passing as a crutch or an excuse for infidelity. The irony is that he’s doing the exact opposite of what she would want him to do. She told him to honor his wife. He doesn’t care about that anymore.
He wants to go to couples counseling, again. We went the last couple months of last year. He was cheating while we were getting counseling. He even took notes. He went to counseling to pacify me. I asked what he hopes to gain this time and he said he wants to see if things will be different since he will be honest now.
Honestly, he doesn’t really want me and he doesn’t want marriage. He doesn’t want to be accountable to someone else for anything. Financially, emotionally, or sexually. He wants to be independent. He also has a big hole in his soul and heart that he’s trying to fill with vagina and money.
He has said that he still loves me. His love doesn’t mean much at this point. I’m not sure what kind of love he thinks he has for me. He has shown no remorse. He’s not sorry for hurting me. I said I hoped the other women were worth throwing away our marriage. Throwing me away as a person, beyond the physical. He was silent after I said this. He probably feels it was worth it.
I’m a kind person. Understanding. Loyal. Loving. Affectionate. I don’t always agree with what he wants to do, so he wants to throw me away. Funny enough, his consistent affair partner is getting on his nerves because she’s too demanding/bossy. She feels he’s required to do whatever she asks. He finds that I annoy him in that way as well. I don’t demand things of him, other than communication and honesty.
He said he wants to be friends with me, but we won’t be besties.
I don’t trust him. He said he knows he has to earn my trust, but if this is anything like last time…I will end up screwed over. You can understand why I’m not too optimistic.
If he wants to betray me, that’s one thing. My concern is if he betrays my son. I don’t want him making bad decisions to put him in danger. I don’t want him to put these other women before our son any more. He hadn’t just abandoned me as a wife, he shurked his job as a father. Our son knows he’s not reliable.
He’s worked himself into the role of a part time father while he had the opportunity to be so much more. I don’t know exactly how things will pan out from here. I’m not really holding onto hope anymore. Not for him.
I’m hopeful for my own future and my son’s.
I’m also very nervous.
Wish us luck.